vdank's Journal

my head throbs so much.. im so overwhelmed with everyhing. b school swim life joshua tree was really fun and really emotional.. b and i are on a rollercoaster its all good then bad then ok then good then really good then ok then bad.. he wants so badly to be friends with the rest of them.. i know it.. and im holdign him back. he keeps talking to g. and i saw him today with the rest of them and he was so into the convo taht eh didnt even notice me walking by. and that is just making me push him away but i know that as soon as i see him these feelings will most likely subside. i dont like that im unable to express how i feel when im annoyed with him because he just breaks down on me when im annoyed at him. its unfair because i cant express my mind i have to put it on hold to console him and by then ive forgotten it and it just becomes an untouchable topic. my head throbs so much. b what am i suppose to do.i like you so much and i always wonder what my life would be like if you werent in it and i cant handle the thought that you may not be in my life anymore. but i know that you like them so much. i wish i could express my feelings better so yhou can understand. i wish that you would just listen to me instead of starting to break down and shut me out and pushing me away. please dont push me away. please dont. please dont shut down on me. please odnt break down on me please. i need to tell you how i feel i need to be able to express my emotions otherwise  idk what im going to do

 i have so much on my mind that im like unable to state it all and say wahts on my mind and my feelings. i cant sort them all out.. i just know im nothappy. and g im sick and tired of you i seriously really really dont like you. your out of my life. yet your still fucking things up. can you just stay out of it please?  i am so angry with you. i think you may be the first person i actually hate. why cant you just fucking leave me alone. because of you i had one of the most emotional days an emotional rollercoaster. leave me alone. get out of my life. stop butting your nosy nose into my fucking life and live your own selfish one. im so angry with you for waht you did at spectrum. and with clare and by turning eeryone against me. im so angry. but im too tired to cry or anything.

im so tired. im so sick and tired of everything it has been such an emotionally draining past few days. i feel like im going to crash into a wall. my emotions are chaotic and all over the place. i need someone to talk to but its like i dont have anyoen to. t once again im pushing you away again idk why all i know is im pushing you away. that comment about me killing my grandpa i cant get past it. i wanted to believe so badly that you changed but i dont think you did. i dont think you did at all. i just wanted it so badly that i believed it. im tired of being disappointed by you. please do something or show me that you really truly have changed. please i beg of you.. otherwise i dont think i will be able to be your friend anymore..i think it may be time to really end this rollercoaster ride with you. i knew it was too good to be true.

life seems to just be too good to be true. im so tired. so tired of everything. i believe that everything will work out i hope that everything will work out i trust the process of life. i trust the process of life. i trust the process of life.. please im begging someone come and pick me up. ive taken a fall. b please i need to know that your there.. to listen to my emotions to try to understand my standpoint on g... i thought you did but like you said "talk is cheap" i like you so much. ive never liked anyone so much.. t please please please i beg of you show me that you have changed that your not the jerk/douchebag/asshole/inconsiderate person that i knew you were last year. please show me that you are more. please idk why i push people away but i do i think its a test to see how much i mean to them.. and tahts what i seem to be doing pushing everyone away. i always do when im in need of help i need someone here by my side so badly. no one knows it i for some reason ahve never been able to ask for help.. i expect it to come when i need it. because i have fallen. please someone come and pick me up. someone come and save me from my thoughts, emotions, and pain. please.

 grandpa im so sorry. im so sorry. im so sorry. im still so guilty im still unable to forgive myself. im still so angry at myself. im so sorry. im so sorry. ong noi im so sorry. i jsut wish i could that day all over again.. please im so sorry