vdank's Journal

hm so today im in a bad mood.. kindof idk i have all of these feelings inside of me that i cant seem to figure out which feeling is which..i want to avoid b. but want to be near b. ultimately i just want to lay in bed. my throat hurts so badd and my earaches. this week seems to be so overwhelming and its just monday. i release all stress and tension from my body. i trust the process of life. i trust the process of life.  maybe its just that i have so many things on my mind. b i dontunderstand  you seem so strong at times and then i realize that i am so much stronger. a mentioning that b is too weak for me and im "the dominant one" was not reassuring.. i need someone to lean on and it seems that my anchor or my pole is nonexisistent. b you were on lifted saturday night. and i forgive you for that i release all anger from that expericence.. i was annoyed. i release my annoyance. you coming back and not leaving with the boys made me realize that you somehwat understand. however you beign unable to talk to me and shutting down on me was not ok.. but it is somewhat understandable for you made two attempts to apologize. and i forgive you i release you. im just trying to understand why it is necessary for you to be on lifted or for you to drink so much.. am i not enough fun for you was the question i was unable to ask saturday night when we had that conversation. i think in conclusion you somewhat understand that im asking for a sober b. i dont liek that i had to ask for it. so im still unhappy about it but it was reassuring that you said you would stop for it would make me happy. i thank you for that. andi release all anger. i forgive you. i relaized that i am so confused. as to why im confused i have no idea all i know is that im confused. i release the confusuion from my life. i trust the process of life. i trust that i trust the process of life.

today  steven stopped me as i was walkign to class to tell me that he took my word about LMU and researched it and realzied taht that is the perfect school for him. he has applied there now and basically just wanted to let me know. it was a lovely feelign knowing that someone took my word to heart and that i helped out. thank you for that. i hope i can hold that feeling close to my heart so i wil lremember the power of words.

i am open to new things. i trust the process of life. i love my friends. a and c are my best friends i thank you for standing by me. m and t are allso my good friends. even tho at this time i feel that im unable to tell all of you guys what is up and what is the deal. i think t is the only one that has noticed im not particularly myself.. i thank you for that you have no idea how much i love you you are such a good friend t really and truly you have turned over a new page and we are betterfriends for that i thank you for doign that for opening yourself up to me.

b i am still unable to trust you idk why. youve asked me several times if i trust you and ive said yes because i am trying to trust you. idk why i cant trust you i dont think its you that i dotn trust its me being scared of getting hurt. i apologize to you for not openingmyself up for you in that regard. im scared of getting hurt. im nto saying your goign to hurt me but idk i hope you can forgive me. i forgive myself for not opening mself up to b. i love myself. b i have told you several things that i hope you will keep for yourself only and for no one else to hear/know. i beleive that i can open myself up to you. i belive that i can tell you whats up and you respond the way i need you to. 

 a i love you your positiveness has made me remind myslef to not sweat the small stuff. i am thankful for you. the lessons you have taught me about life and myself is invaluable and i am thankful i can call you my bestfriend. you remind me to not worry so much and trust the process of life. i hope you can find your way with ty. i trust that you will put the wall down and open yourself up to him as he has to you. i beleive that you will grow so much with him in a positive way and that your relationship will be symbiotic. i hope you find your way and i hope that if you need any guidance from me you wont be hesistant to ask for help.

c i love you you are the one that puts a smile to my face whenever im down. i feel that in the past month we havent been as close considering the circumstances i understand.. i miss hanging out with you :/