vdank's Journal

i feel liek a yo yo wearing a mask. 

i'm on the verge of tears and im so overwhelmed with everything. natural things such as how you should compose yourselves shouldnt be thoguht of yet i'm sitting here thinking how i should act when b comes back and if and when i see him. or when im sitting there with g. im tired of the awkwardness and the barrier that i feel when im near her. i feel like such a horrible person how can someone go through three "bestfriends" in less than a year.. i get that two of them werent really my fault but it just makes me wonder the type of person i am and what am i doing wrong. i cant tell if my reasons are excuses or if theyre fact. i feel so little confused and lost and as i write this i cant help but nearly cry im trying to understand why im so upset but i cant sseem to undestand why.

i have never cried because of people i have always foudn myself crying from frustration from myself or because of the guilt i feel. todays the first time ive cried because of people and i dont feel relief or anything i feel miserable. im scared this is the beginning of the "curse" that the women in our family sem to get yet im too scared to ask for help. which is odd because i normally would.

i feel so lost i feel like a burden to my friends always telling them my problems i  cant feel comforted by anything ive resorted to hugging my stuff animal. i feel so pathetic i hurt so badly and im starting to take anger out on the people who matter the most to me my parents and my sister i apologize 

 the past two months have been an emotional rollercoaster and the past 3 weeks it has hit a low and today it hit rock bottom. i need to focus on school and college aps but i cant because my heart and mind is somewhere else. crying as i write this i feel so pathetic and this is the first time ive really cried since clares grandpa died. and everytime i cry i feel guilty about how i wasnt able to show emotion when grandpa died. im still feel so guilty words cant even describe how guilty i feel writing this is making me shake and cry. i want to find comfort. as angela would say do affirmations. i am open to friendship i am open to love i am open to comfort. i feel like im disappearing within my own self but i know soon enough my front will come up and everything will be ok. and these feelings will be oppresed until another time.

idk what to do help? 

 weight has never been a real issue for me but lately it is a ridiculously sensitive topic and im starting to lose and gain weight so quickly 10 lbs lost here 10 lbs gained back my weight now ranges from 110 and 95 lbs thats not much but hearing from my great aunt wow your not as fat as you look after she hugs me isnt really comforting. or looking at my younger sister and seeing how thin she is or my older cousin adn how fat she is i mean its not their fault but its affecting me more so now then ever and it seems to be kinda the only thing i ahve a control over by eating..