vdank's Journal

i need more alone time. i know that. i sometimes enjoy alone time but like entering the quiet library that makes me feel so awkward and uncomfortable. but as i stayed in there longer i really enjoyed it. i know that the awkwardness and discomfort is the fact that its out of my comfort zone. there is so much reflection that i need to do. so much that i still need to come to terms with. so much im scared to come to terms with.

its terribly difficult to lose the loss of a friend (not from death) when will i ever come to terms with it. i can try to forgive but can i ever forget? i try not to think about it out of sight out of mind, its not working. i honestly just want it to go away. its been like 5 months cant it go away? we lasted that long. and with clare. well it just hurts. 

maybe thats when i stopped loving myself, when i started to lose all the people that i truly care about that i trusted because there must be something that i did or something about me or the way i did things  for that to happen. i dont understand how everything that happened could just happen, the way it did. halloween. newyears. prom. prom last year. so much. everyperson that ive ever truly cared about has hurt me or backstabbed me how can it be just the people i chose to be friends with or the people i chose to be in my life. it has to be the person, me. how can you love yourself when stuff like that happens. youcant.

i just dont understand there is so much i dont understand its frustrating. im frustrated but trying to forget that im frustrated because its so much easier to fake a good day and fake a upbeat personality than to actually face reality. because reality sucks, i dont want to deal with it. im avoiding it, i feel like bryan running and avoiding things. i hate it. im not going to get sucked into this. i wont let myself. i love myself but im scared and this is really awkward because j&j is sitting to me on the couch as im journaling. oh and i feel thoroughly ignored also. ha why am i still sitting here? fast forward 10 mins

this annoyance this feels like my stupid logic class. everything sort of makes sense but doesnt make sense at all at the same time in the scope of things. everything is just sort of mushy. there is so much on my mind that i cant even wrap my head around it to find out how im truly feeling or how things are. i miss so many things.

 im terribly upset and feel terribly alone. shayla just walked in and it was awkward.

-- being alone means 2 things i start thinking and i start feeling things things that i dont want to feel. remembering things that i dont want to remember. realizing things i dont want to realize. and understanding then amount of loss that there is and then i just end up upset like i am now. i dont like this. this is what happens when im alone. my head starts running and then i end up terribly upset. thats why i hate being alone. its easier to not feel things by surrounding yourself  with people and masking a good time enough to make everyone and yourself believe that you are having a good time. ive gotten so good at it.