Journal

ive come to realize many things.

ive realized that i need to learn how to breathe and focus on actively breathing to nourish my soul. the essay i wrote about my grandpa made me realize so much. it is time to breathe through the darkness and find light. 

with ryan. wow. thankyou because you made me realize several things. that i dont know how to say no. im an easy target. i can do way better. i have a crush on pat. and i like the concept of having a boy. like the idea of it. so technically since i like the idea it is a nonconcrete  unattainable thing that i am chasing similar to a dog chasing his tail. its time i start chasing love and start loving myslef cuz at the end of the day im the one that will be around forever..

i just realized also that tay and i have had a compelte falling out. and  you know i am perfectly ok with that. i didnt need him as much as i thought i did. i dont really miss him either. 

i need to stop being concerned with the nonconcrete

and start noticing and appreciating the concrete.

the now.

its about what i have now not obtaining what i dont have.

i shall text pat tomorrow to hang out. i hope it goes well. 

im done with mixed signals.

im done with confusion.

i want it to be straight forward

i accept love. i accept myselfl. i love myself. i release all anger. i am learning to breathe.

i am learning to breathe.

i am really smart. i ace everything. i understand everything also. i am focus and productive and can get work done fast. i manage my time well. i excel in all of my classes. i do well in school.

i love school.

i love myself. i really do. i am beautiful. i am strong. i am skinny. i am loving. i am friendly. i am compassionate. i am funny and witty. i am sarcastic. i am sensitive. i am open. i am forgiving. i am aware. i am breathing. i am alive. i am present.

tahts what it is. i need to be present. thats what i lost, seems so long ago when i was really living in the present. stop looking back. stop looking forward. start looking now. 

i appreciate what i have. i am thankful the people in my life. i am thankful for the poeple that are out of my life for showing me the type of people i do not need in my life and to make me really truly appreciate the things in my life.

i am thankful for attendign this school.

i am going to stop chasing things and simply just appreciate what i have. 

i send love to angy. i send love to ty. i send love to clare and day. i send love to my family. i send love to my lovely lovely roomates kayleen jenny and caroline. i send love to linda and lori. i send love to stephy. i send love to duffy and lindsay and kayla and larissa and amanda. i love my life. i send love to pat and luke. and ryan. i wish luke and ryan the best. and lastly i send bryan love and forgivness maybe one day i will truly be able to mean that, not that i dont but like truly truly mean it.

consciously breathing feels so good.  it is healing my soul. pulling me out to the light. allowing me to be more present. i shall continue to be conscious to my mind body and soul.

thank you ryan for making me realize this.

oh and when youre stress

just pretend taht you have control over the situation and that should lessen the stress. feeling in control calms anxiety for some reason. i am in absolute control of everyaspect of my life. i am in control of my fabulous grades in school. i am in control of my perfect love life. i am in control of my perfect friendships and relationships. i am in control of all the money in my bank account. i am in control of every aspect of my life. i am in control of my thin healthy strong body. i am in control of my thriving mind and soul.

i love myself. i really do.

i feel like curling up on the couch and just laying there.

i jsut wish i could forget about it. why cant i? why cant i let it go? today was the first time in so long i really truly missed bryan. replaying the scenes of the downfall of our relationship in my head and what could have been done to prevent the outcome. replaying the different things i could have done or said instead of being spiteful and angry. trying to understand my anger. trying to figure out what went wrong.. i miss how happy everything was. i am happy but its different. i dont really understand it or anything for that matter..

i need to focus just on hw. because my education is something that will actually stick with me and stay with me for the rest of my life. where as boys are fickle.

helped luke with his hw yesterday haha it was funny because i swear he is retarded or just acts dumb to get help.

seems like ryan has little man syndrome. there is def nothing there anymore. blink 182. the lifting of his sleeves the way he walks he cracks me up. i hope we can still be friends tho or stay friends..

mm its so quiet in the room its so niceee.. with no one here its quite relaxing.. i want oatmeal.. is that weird? perhaps ill have some later. hahah sun of a gun as soon as i said taht caroline walked in.

i love life. i love myself. i am open to new relationship. i am good at keeping relationships.  i am a good relationship keeperer. i am open to love. i trust the process of life. everything comes easily to me. friendships are easily kept for me. i value friendship. i value the relationships i have with people. i am me. fully me and i love it. i love myself. i love my body. i am thin.

tay and i havent talked in.. two weeks? i dont really miss him.. nothing feels different about thatt.. its sort of weird?

im hungry..

my muscles are so tense it feels like its almost all cramped.

idk waht to do

because yoga isnt helping.

i love life.

i am relaxed

i am calm

i am ok

everything is ok

i trust the process of life

i love life.

i send love out to everyone i know

everything is relative.

everything is relative.

everthing is relative.

i love life

i love love life

i love life.

i trust the process of life.

i am relaxed.