Journal

Surviving with cancer, causes one to either fight or flight.  As you know, fight is the usual.  Family members, friends, even other cancer victims expect you to fight.  Fight this with all your might, so you may survive. And continue in this game of life.  Living is something to look forward to...fighting to live.

But how do you turn off the fight?  I willingly walk in, hand my arm over for poison pumped into my body to "fight" my cancer.  I knowingly allow the nausea and even the vomiting to occur.  I  allow my body to cease normal functions, like eating, sleeping, even bodily functions.  I march into my radiation every day prepared to "fight".  I readily give of myself to  fighting this disease that has enveloped me.

I pray for others to have understanding, compassion, empathy to understand 'my fight'.  I pray others can survive right along side my survival.

But I cannot turn off the fight.  I find I am so selfish with myself.  I cannot give  but only to myself.  I haven't the energy to allow anyone to take my essence.  I haven't the energy to allow anyone to steal my moments, for I am fighting for my life.   My family asked me to fight, and yet no one understands the "fight".  

No one understands that many times, I wish my days were finished as soon as I awake.  That many days, I wish I did not have to talk, for I haven't a thing to say.  That many days, I wish not to even look into the mirror for I do not recognize this person that is starring back at me, like a wild animal in "fight".  That many days, I cannot discover love for the basic instinct to "fight" is turned on high.  That many days, I do not understand anyone's needs for I am in "fight" mode.  Survival for me is a fight, but others must realize my goal.

My world began 10 weeks ago with a questionable x-ray after a pre-op for a hysterectomy.  That of course was postponed, and have since ridden a roller coaster, still with all of my girlie parts intact thank you.  CT's both with and without contrast, then off to PET scan as CT's showed a definite nodule in left upper lobe of lung plus some thickening in what was read the hilar region of the lymphs.  Pulmonologist was first to let me know of PET that it appeared entire left lung must be removed and prognosis was dire.  Thoracic surgeon next day, said who even knows its cancer?  Hello...please ask if I had fun with the toying of my emotions?  Finally off for another opinion in Atlanta at Wellstar Cancer Center, Kennestone Hospital.  Thoracic God offered me surgery with a huge cost, not salary please, but cost of loss of what I thought was my very best friend, cigarettes.  I had to be clean for 14 days prior to surgery otherwise he would test and send me home, even after iodine scrub.  Hateful God I thought, however, my own God in heaven allowed me the strength the very next day to kick the habit, or at least be clean for today, 32 days.  I have had two weeks since VATS surgery, which they discovered nodule in lung was cancerous, so upper left Lobectomy, and further 14 lymphs removed during lymphectomy.  After pathologist report I am now a Stage 3, non-small cell, adenocarcianoma.  Suggested path of life was 30 radiation treatments (5 days x 6 weeks) in conjunction with 18-20 chemo treatments at 3 times a week for 6 weeks _ both together all at the same time.  With a 25% chance of no reoccurence afterwards for up to 5 years.

Hmmm....I am thinking a near death experience for buying me maybe 5 years at best, hmmm.   That at 49 years old, this was as good as it gets.

That I love my pets enough I would never consider such barberic torture to them much less to me?  So I had considered to take my 75% odds and have a great time, to hell with medicine and live like today was the last day for me.  I am back where my roller coaster ride began, in Augusta, GA with an oncologist that says...
"are you crazy, do you have a death wish?   Do you know your odds after your surgery as a  Stage 3 have increased even without chemo and or radiation?  Do you know only 4 times chemo over a 9 weeks period?  Do you realize radiation will zero in on those lymphs and give you a 60-75% chance of being cancer free for life?"

  Hello...just ask if toying with my emotions isn't all that and more?  I will attempt this, for it does seem like the man sold me and God complied and heard my prayers, I simply asked for clarity to know my decision would be correct.  Guess what...it took the knock over the head should have had a V8 type of clarity, but I got it.  In 2 weeks I begin my chemo, then perhaps in a month my radiation as I must be completely healed from lobectomy before they can begin.  I will keep you updated, hope no one gets motion sickness....