poettess's Journal

So I had planned this great weekend where I get to hang out with the kids and then my husband and I would go to a movie...to see Star Trek, because I wanted to see it.  I have been so excited about this "date" for the last week and have been telling everyone about how wonderful its going to be etc.  And now...he comes home tonight at midnight and tells me that he saw the movie already with his friends.  Why do I torture myself by wanting to do anything with him?  I do this to myself...I know it.  Its just like the Buddhist teachings, you suffer because you crave.  If I cease to crave, I will cease to suffer.  Easier said than done.  How do you cease to crave companionship and affection?  Respect and honesty?  Concern and fairness?  Its so hard for me to cease craving these things and I suffer constantly because of it.  When I heard from him that he already saw the movie we were planning to see I got really quiet and said that I don't want to see it anymore, its ok.  Well maybe I should still go see it and just take my older girls with me.  Then we can go out and not come back til late and let him enjoy his evening playing his games with no one to bother him.  That would be the healthy thing for me to do...to not get so depressed when he breaks my heart.  I have warned him already, there's nothing more for me to do but to get on with my life, right?  I told him the more he ignores me and makes it so that I don't rely on him, the easier it will be for me to do without him in the long run and when I find someone who cares about me, I will go for it.  I don't think he cares.  I will have to suck up my sadness and anger and pain and just go out with my girls tomorrow.  I will leave him where he wants to be...even though it pains me also to let him have his enjoyment while I suffer...but why try to force someone to be with you.  I wish I had more friends to hang out with here in my hometown.  I keep trying to make more friends but it is difficult.  I think I have a hard to get along with personality...a quirky and ecclectic list of hobbies and likes.  Its so horrible being alone in a sea of "others".