Journal

I re-read my journals today to see where I had come from and I am so sad.  I think the worst part about it is that I am naive and trusting as well as idealistic, so when someone tells me that things will be better or turns things around for a couple of days, I believe them and get this giddy school girl kind of happiness that is quickly whisked away by the next instance of uncaring relationship demolition.  My husband is once again on his cycle of being a bad husband and parent.  When I point it out he screams at me and tells me I'm some sort of controlling or evil bitch.  I am so tired of this cycle.  Part of me continues to want to reach out to him because at least there will be a few days of happiness before he forgets to be good again...and the majority part of me just wants to give up and move on.  How do I move on?  How do I pick up the pieces and just coexist with the man without losing my sanity and self respect?  I am still working this out a bit and I think I'm on the right track. I'm working on my health as well as my own life activities.  I have scheduled a trip without him, just me and the youngest girls... I have to keep moving and eventually I won't care anymore.  I don't want to be giddy anymore though...because it hurts too much to come down. 

Well you will not believe it, but after I found the video game addicts group, my life has changed for the better significantly.  Not only did I find and read some stories that made me feel that I was no longer alone, but I shared them with my husband and he has put in 110% effort at changing our lives!  All of my issues were surrounding my marriage problems, its like every bad thing has disappeared now that he is once again with his family and spending time with us.  I hope this continues, I will keep hoping and we will see.  I also started anger management counseling.  I hope that helps me to find coping mechanisms if he does go back to the game.  Either way, I feel that I can manage now.  Its such a relief.