ErnestE's Journal

      It's 7:30 AM and I am still feeling like walking death, but I am going to a prayer breakfast with my dear brothers from CornerStone Fellowship, maybe it will help pull me out of this funk. Prayer has done wonders for the mood that I was in. Now I can see light at the end of this filthy tunnel. PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!!!! I can leave in a few minutes for the prayer breakfast with His joy in my heart. The prayer breakfast isn't until next Saturday, so I may go to a singing at church about a quarter mile away or just simply rest today, idk, at this point. Sorry my mood has crashed I have to program a damn remote and the printer is ****** up and I cant fix it. I am going to try the remote that goes with my TV, if that works it will get the person I share expenses with off my ass. If it doesnt then I am going to bed and he will just have to get off his damn lazy ass and change the channel, boo hoo for him. I fear that I am near a breaking point.

     A few hours have past and thier is no improvement for me, on top of the depression, now I will have to go to the damn grocery store and deal with all the shit that is going there. I HATE this STINKING EXISTENCE. Days like this make me wish that I could have said "NO!!" to that surgery in '81 and makes it extremely hard to even think about allowing another, should it become nessacery for survival. Even though I have made a vow to two very dear friends that I will not give up, days like this bring that vow into serious question. I hate feeling like this and the medication that I am on is, so far, worthless against it. The previous statement was a bit premature. Apparently my condition was worse that I thought or was willing to admit, and it took extra time for the medication to do its job. Right now, I consider my mood to be 98% of what I consider normal. I took a break for a shower, now I am done for the night. Hopefully I can take some time to wind down from all the crap that has been going on today. Monday I am going to call my psychiatrist, their are parts of this day that I don't rememeber, I said hurtful things to a very dear friend that I don't remember. This is scaring me, Dear God what if I had physically harmed someone while this was happening to me. About three hours or so of this day is a blurr. I have no idea what I have said or done. I will be up early Monday morning and call my psychiatrist, to let me know what transpired this weekend, and I will follow his recommendations, whatever they may be.