MommaSue's Journal

Wow I can't believe how long its been since I last wrote in here, I guess I've just been busy with my hectic life and as usual I have no time for ME or to do stuff for myself.

Its been hard dealing with my Mom and Dad's passing, well actually I don't really "deal" with it at all,  I stay busy so I don't have to think or feel too much, but then night comes and I'm alone in my room and thats when it hits. I miss my mom so much it truly does hurt, my heart aches and I feel so empty inside. I always knew my folks would die someday, it is the way things work afterall, but I knew and had tried to prepare myself at a young age since my parents were quite a bit older than all my friends parents, they were closer to being a grandparents age. And they both had alot of health problems, so I always knew they would go while I was still relativly young, but still it dosent make me miss them any less, it just helps me to understand why. What I don't understand is why my brother died  4 months after my mom did at the age of 49, or why my good friend died about 2 weeks later at the age of 33, or why at my young age of 38 have I had to endure so much loss much more than the average person. Sure some of it is because the friends I had lived the kind of lifestyle that put them at risk of dying early, but in the last 13 years I have lost my only sister, a brother, my parents, 2 sister in laws, an ex husband who was a close friend, a close girlfriend, and a few other friends. That is just plain ridicilus!!!! I'm so tired of death, I feel like I'm cursed!

So anyway, I'll just keep on getting through each day the best I can knowing that it will eventually get easier.

So on top of dealing with all that, I also am stuck in a marriage with a man who is completelly clueless!

You know when we first got together he was happy, outgoing, social, and fun, then our son was born 14 months after we got married and then he turned 40 1 week after JJ was born and poof he changed, into a crochety old coot. He never wants to do anything, he complains about every little thing, he has no friends at all. and the thing that upsets me the most is, is how he can NEVER make any time for me, he makes me feel like I just don't  matter to him, anything I have to say or am interested in means nothing to him. for instance say I want to show him something on the computer, first I have to ask him a few times to come over, then he will literally look or listen for 2 or 3 seconds and then he will start to walk away, he does that when I'm trying to talk to him, I'll start talkng and either he will just walk away or he will interrupt and start talking over me about something completely different. Anytime I ask for his time or undivided attention he gets all annoyed.  And lately he's been drinking. Just a couple of beers a day which would be no big deal to the average person, But he NEVER drank before, maybe a beer or two a year, now its everyday. I am a child of alcoholic parents and  was  one myself and I absolutely HATE the smell of beer on men's breath, he smells like a nasty drunk bum. If I wanted to be with a guy who drank I would have  done so. I don't know, there is so much wrong with our marrage, if you can even call it that. And I feel completely trapped, I can't leave him, I have no where to go,  I have to family to speak of and no money, we both decided that I would be a stay at home Mom, and now that we found out JJ has f mild form of autisim, I'm  needed at home still. So I have no job and no income so Im stuck. I could have him leave, but again i have no money. So here I sit, Stuck! frustrated and alone.   I just want a guy who I can talk to  and laugh with,  I just want to feel ike I  matter to someone.