MoonlitReveries's Journal

Life feels both in motion and paused at the same time. It's strange. I have more energy and optimism this week but I've been way more active and restless. I've been in productive and ambitious mood lately and I really just want to keep moving and accomplish as much as a possibly can. I'm seeing that there is a path through all this I'm determined to get through it. But often this energy just has nowhere to go. I'm in the middle of taking it easy and my life feels full of this still emptiness right now. Just this giant road block is there al the time and that's frustrating. Everywhere I look, there's a reminder of something be doing but can't do without pain. Every time I see a piece of cane on the table, I want to make reeds but know how painful that is. Every time I go into my room, I see a gigantic pile of unfolded clothes. Every time I hear music, I want to practice more. And the list goes on and on. I know this will pass and get better but this *resting* is really conflicting with all my energy. So what I do most of the time is suppress the energy and it's not quite working. I've actually been a bit more active this week; probably more than I should have been, but not as much as I want to be.

However, good things have happened last week. I had 2 amazing practices last  week on Wednesday and Thursday. It's hard to put into words but I was just lost in the beauty of the Bach piece (I totally recommend that everyone work on unaccompanied Baroque music sometime, especially Bach... there's just so much there and when I get entwined in the music and the phrases it's nearly a spiritual experience for me. for me it really helps with my phrasing and breath control in all my other pieces. I worked on the some of the cello suites on English horn awhile back *and breathing was freaking insane* and now I'm working on the allemande of the unaccompanied flute sonata.)  I had tons of great ideas with the phrasing and I thought I was shaping something very musical. My 3rd octave is coming along nicely and the high notes I've been working on are getting a lot easier (there's a high A at the very end). I also got new reeds and I just felt really in control. These were short practices with breaks but I still felt I got a lot done. I come out hurting every time though (a lot less than before because of the physical therapy), and I notice it really soon after I stop. I'm wondering if I can tune out pain for sometime because I'm so lost in the music. I have been able to transcend pain and physical issues before. It's great that I'm having these great total mind-body musical experiences, but with my shoulder issues, tuning out to my body is not the best idea.

 I still wish I could be practicing more. 3 to 4 days a week is really lame and I just feel guilty that I'm not practicing every day. And I know I have a good reason not to and that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I still do feel guilty and like I'm missing out. I've also been concerned that I'm bringing my ensembles down with my lame practicing and arm issues and this is true especially with my chamber ensembles. Guilt has been a HUGE feeling lately. I should be in the midst of grad school auditions and I should be practicing every day and I should have my room clean all this other stuff. I know that resting and taking it easy is a good idea and probably the best thing I could be doing right now, but knowing that stll doesn't take much of the guilt away.

Anyway, other things are going well. Interesting things have been happening. Here's what I've been up to since my last update:

- Last Thursday I stupidly left my Ligetti quintet music at home for the last class before the concert  but I was surprisingly able to play the first movement rather well by memory and rehearsal. I was actually concerned that our uptight bassoonist would have a fit or something especially since that was the last class before the performance. When I told  her,  I quickly added  I could probably play it by memory to soften the  blow. Well, it turns out I did alright just winging it. I also noticed I was more sensitive to matching note lengths and good ensemble playing when I didn't have music in front of me.

- I finally figured out my eneagram personality type/wing/variant stacking and I've been trying to figure out my variant stacking for a long time but it just really clicked. I might share more of that later and why it made sense.

I had a fun weekend and went out and met new people on both Saturday (dinner  and movie with someone new) and Sunday (group picnic and kickball game *which I didn't participate in...I'm super lazy  and unenthusiastic when it comes to sports* and then a hike). It was nice.  I felt a little awkward and shy at first on both occasions but things warmed up a bit and it was fun despite it all.

This week so far hasn't been really eventful. I was really drowsy from a long sleep deprived day, doped up on pain killers (but still in pain) and generally out of it orchestra. I played alright but I didn't quite feel myself and I hate that. I also registered for classes yesterday. It looks like my longest day is on Monday (I'll be at school for 10 hours, though I have a considerable break in the afternoon, in which I intend to practice like crazy…uh…I really mean…practice as much as I can with frequent breaks and without killing my arm before Music 9 and Orchestra in the evening). I'm taking all Music classes (with no concert band!) and one beginning Acting class for kicks. I spent forever vacillating between a poetry class, an acting class or a watercolor class. There were prerequisites/corequisites for both of the other ones and since I registered on the later end, the only open sections were either conflicting with orchestra or chamber music, or were super early in the morning and I didn't feel like going through all that hassle and squeezing in another class. Anyway, my schedule is way busier than Winter term to say the least. But it looks manageable. Just a few long days.

I'm still so grateful for my friends and all the nice people in my life, and for everyone who was patient with me through my complaining and such.

Anyway, I have to wake up at 6am today for physical therapy (what a romantic way to spend V-day! haha) and it's going to be another long day with a little chamber performance thingy included. I should be asleep right now but I'm not…haha