Join Now
trgrl99 
5:17am, May 16, 2009
hi, I have not been on cuz i have givin in to my addiction to myspace games i let myself getl ost for alot of time almost everyday . Been tired and depressed and just need to be present in my daily life not just going through motions. God's I love my kids and we all deserve more. Tomorrow is another day and I will try harder to be the best me I can be. - overand out -Jaimers
Hi, I blew it, I worked all day long on the right thing to say, to my best guy friend, (who has been a totally awesome influence and support thru all the bf suicide attempt stuff) about him getting back together with his exwife. And instead of H.A.L.T.ing myself before I wrote it( a txt message) ,with like no sleep and hardly any food and working like a dog for 10 hrs. I wrote a message that meant well but was worded in a way that was percieved as hurtful. I am devastated by my own stupidity. I could have just said hi how r u? I was so lame, retrospect suks, He seems to hate me now. or maybe it was his (ex)wife was writing the mean txts, when I apologized.He says he is frustrated with me but I am feeling like I can never make it up to him. I dont know ,all I know is I had a stress related like crush on him, (and he on me) and now it is gone. I think that is good cuz it was very distracting, fun but keeping me from self work that I needed to be doing. Now all I want to do is cry and withdraw ,not nessacarily in that order. I am so fucking overwhelmed by My boyfriend's (I guess he still is) suicide attempt. He caught himself on fire. I am so scared to tell him I need to not be with him cuz, it could make him worse and he is just starting to get better after 2 months in a chemically induced coma. But I cant trust him anymore, he could of killed us all if his roommate hadnt been there to put him out, it could'vr caught house on fire ,and I already have serious abandonment issues with men and he goes and leaves (tried to ) in the most evil way it's making me feel like a horrible person. Like everything is my fault, I hate second guessing myself. It's freaking insanity.I dont want to care about anything anymore. I am finally actually tearing up a little in the last 2 days , I have'nt cried at all since the accident, it is all stuck. I hate the way I feel and feel nearly powerless to stop it. I should be going thru the bedtime motions and going to bed. But I cant get it together. I got 1 hour of sleep last nite from the same thing. stressing out. I just want to be safe and be taken care of, for once, instead of me taking care of everyone. i spread myself too thin and now I'm useless. I hate it.Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
I'm a mess I have not been journaling on paper or here. Like I should be. He is finally awake from the chemical coma they were keeping him in so he could heal and rest. But I cant talk to him for longer then a couple minutes on the phone. It is agonnizing, because how can I ever trust him again. He could've killed us all, by accident. I am so bummed. I don't know what to do. So many thing have happened in 2 months and I am totally overwhelmed at times.I dont know what to do but go through motions. I am all of the parts of the grief cycle every day.
Past Entries
| October 2008 |
Wednesday, 10/08
 |
|
Wednesday, 10/08
|
|
July 2008 |
|
Sunday, 7/27
|
|
March 2008 |
|
Tuesday, 3/25
|
Thursday, 3/20
|
|
Thursday, 3/20
|
|
November 2007 |
Friday, 11/30
|
|
Thursday, 11/29
|
|
Thursday, 11/22
|
Goal Updated
