tinkerbella13069's Journal

I have so much to do and al the timein the world. Next week is the last week of these two classes. I want a degree so bad and want to keep going but I keep failing classes. I had this trouble in high school, it seems the harder I try the worse the grades get.

As far as having a compaion at this time is impossable. I get hurt to easy and I need to stay in my box. In the past I have hurt people by just being me and that is the reason I put myself into this box. The hurt that I feel is not phisical pain, it is emotional pain.

Going out to meet new people is fun but I all I talk about is my girls, the pets or school. It realy shows how lonely I havebeen for the past six years. I don't understand these emotions that I'm going threw right now and am in so much hurt that I can't do anything. I've tried to act normal but it is not working. It seems to show with my house work and school work, my girls have asked me what is going on but I don't realy know so how can I explain to others.

My dear friend Patty has been staying away as she feels that I need time to myself. She thinks that she did something wrong and her controlling boyfriend is a jerk. Her boyfriend wants her to stay home all the time not have others around her and blames this on his disablity.

I stayed up till 4am then slept till noon not cleaning the kitchen or living rm and didn't get prepaired for school today.I wat nothing more than to get out of the house and have a drink (soda) and laugh. But when I am happy and laughing it seems wrong. I know that I should be home cleaning or tending to the girls needs but I want to be free again.

I found out that my friend is not married to th woman he is with and he is attached by his daughter only. He has come here twice now and both times I feel unconfertable as I'm not sure of myself. He wants me to be truthful with my words but I don't want to be hurt or hurt anyone. My girls dislike Paul and will do anything to keep him away. This has happened before and I shouldn't be suprised about it.

the girls say they wantme to get out ad have fun but their actions show other wise. If I expect to have the fun that I use to have I have to be out of the house and not let the girls know where I am or who I am with. The first time I went out with Paul to talk about a problem that I have, Patty walked by then ran home to tell the girls where I was and that I was with a man. I didn't intorduce her to him because its none of her business in the first place.

I enjoyed laughing and I had one drink then was on soda for the two hours I was out and my girls were fumed. They say I should have been home to make supper and get my school done. I met another guy who I'm interested in as well but he has no auto, and the only way for the two of us to see each other is threw Paul. This was Pauls idea in the first place, to have me met his friend who has no strings attached and let me be me.

This wallthat I have around me is still very strong, I will say anything to keep people away and to keep them out of my life. Paul will be coming around tomorrw to take me to see his friend and let me have some fun but I know this won't work once again. I can't let my shield get broke into and I know I'll just sit there again and say nothing to anyone. This hurts me as I'm very interested in the friend of Paul's. I want to talk to Paul and tell him how I feel but it sems fI can't tell him the truth of my feelings. The truth is I have feelings for both but not sure how to handle it. My loneliness tends to let to much happen and I feel horrable after.

Then there is my husband, I still love him but I want to play the field a bit and this will hurt him. I know many thik that I shouldn't care but I do. My hubby (Doug) and I hve been together for 26 years counting the 6 years that he's been gone. Doug will not be the same and I'm notsure if he'll understand that I want to play the field.