tinkerbella13069's Journal

I prayed yesterday that I if this was to be right let me have one more night by myself and have Paul come out. I had my night alone but paul neve came out. I now must face the facts that I was just crussing to get hurt and to hurt others. I still don't know how to be happy nor will I ever have the chance to be happy by the looks of things. It seems that every time I find someone that I'm interested in they always want to have sex. Yes I have needs but I must keep control of my emotions. I don't need those buttons pushed to cause me emotional pain. 16 thinks that this guy hurt me but in realaty he mad me understand what I have been ding. Shuting my self into a box and pretecting myself from the hurt. I have been so lonely that I just don't know what to feel anymore. I don't like even friends around me any more. I can't laugh or be happy because then I've let my guard down. That is what was happening, I was letting my guard down. I laughed and was happy, maybe for one hour but I let it down. I cried all night last night and most of today as I let my guard down and I feel the hurt before it can get any worse. All I want is to feel something other than hurt.

I have prayed today that if he comes back I will have the courage to go out for a little and tell him what I truely feel and that I have to get back into my box and remain lonely if I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else. It realy hurts me as he reminded me of my husband and I even called him Doug at one point. I wanted to recieve more and give more but the hurt was going to be too strong. maybe I just expect to get hurt, maybe I expect the kids toget in the way. Maybe I expect that I should scare off these guys and prevent the hurt.maybe God wants me to be alone fro the rest of my life, maybe he feels that I can't handle any of this. Sometimes I think that I have done this to myself.