Journal

December 1st is coming fast. I haven't had any luck finding a job andro an appartment for 350 month with power. I have given up all hope of not going back to the homeless state againg and losing everything. It seems very unfare to me to lose everything the second time around can't find a home for the lab and am very worried she will die. she has been suffering a great deal with the seperation of 16 and now it has gotten worse with 21 gone all the time. I've adjusted to the idea that I will be alone and will not have anyone around to help me live. hubby will not understand what we have been threw and thinks that I will put him in the house over my girls. been thinking of moving out of state but would like to take the pets too.then i have to figure out how i'll get there. all the talk has not helped me feel better as there are facts that need to be faced.

I just updating on how things are. I won't share much detail on my life just because I don't share that. I will add to that that I have had 40 years of unhappiness in my life and the worse always comes when I am happy. I signed up for counciling this week and can hope that I can put some pieces of my life at rest. These past few years are just a sample of my life and how it is so that i must never show if happy or not. Everyone puts blame on each other for things that are out of their control. Me I just say that life is there. I don't need to be happy or even feel my own limbs as I just don't care about life. the only person who has ever realy known my life joys or downs was my husband. He is not allowed to be near me at all and I can say thinks to many people for that. Some think that it is the best thing but I do not as I'm the only one left that knows anything about him. Our children never have known of our past as it was not something that needs to be mentioned to them. I refuse to openly tell the councilers about much of my past. I walk threw life numb and without expresion nor will I ever take confidents in any living human as itseems that these are the people that hurt me the most. I'm sick of being lied to and about so I will just walk emotionless.

Put in another 7 jobs on Friday making the job count to 99 places and still no job. School has become so harsh that I fail at all classes as I do not feel they are related to accounting. I am hoping that getting redx for dislexia and MS will help with the disablity income but that wont happen soon enough. Well must finish this religion assignment and get it turned in.

At least the 16 is happy. 21 overdrew my checking account and spent the electric money then threatened to stab me. Today she says she'll put all the dogs in the pound and move out asap. She thinks that I hate her when I hate what she is doing. she is never home to spend time with the dogs any more, all she thinks about is how to be with her friend dan and how to spend money on him. she can't even clean for herself and she has no money. Right now she blames it on her father but she has made the mess right now not him. Hubby is being housed in a homeless housing till better things happen. The homeless ass., said they will help him get the funds and understand his rights.