xXforeverOaOchildXx's Journal

Today when I logged into my yahoo account, I had a new friend request. There was a message on it and it was from my brother, Billy, so of course I accepted it. I haven't spoken to my dad, step mom, half sister, 2 half brothers, or my 2 step brothers in over 3 years. I met my dad when I was 12 for the first time. When I met my brothers and sister, Billy was pretty much the only one who was really nice to me. He hugged me and really showed that he loved me like a sister. The others, Laura, Steven, Richard, Daniel, and Michael, they really didn't seem to like me. I had a lot of problems when I was younger, and my dad really couldn't handle them. I was suicidal and cutting and was struggling with an eating disorder, so my dad wasn't used to that. He used to refer to everything I did "wrong" or every psychological problem I had as "stupid behavior" and that made me very angry inside and it still does. I didn't speak to him today, but saw him on webcam as well as Billy. I was talking to Billy on the phone and my dad asked him what I did with the child support he was giving my mom. Of course my mom used that money (40 dollars a month) to pay bills! He apparently thought that the child support check was supposed to go directly to me... NEWSFLASH! my mother takes care of me AND $40 a month isn't going to pay for anything but a few packs of gum! Then, I told Billy that I'd dropped out of high school because of my medical issues and he told our dad. What does he say to that? "Did you know that when you dropped out of high school, your child support checks stopped?" I'm sorry for sounding disrespectful, but YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! I don't care about the stupid child support checks! I've gone through so much medical shit that his meager child support checks wouldn't cover anything! I've been through more medical things in my life than he's ever been through! And does he care? No! Billy wants to see me someday, and I told him that I'm going to be staying with my mom for the summer. He said we should kick it sometime. I said that'd be cool. I really miss Billy and he means a lot to me. Now that I'm thinking about my dad and other family, I'm also thinking about my weight a lot. My dad's side of the family is very large. My dad's mom died at over 400 pounds and that was actually after she'd lost weight. My dad's brother died a few years ago from diabetes at over 500 pounds. My dad is around 300 or so pounds. I'm not only predisposed to obesity, but heart disease and diabetes as well. My sister is also obese. I don't know, but being around my dad and other family and thinking about them makes me sick sometimes. I have enough medical issues to deal with and I don't need obesity and it's associated problems along with them. Recently, I went to see my friend, Felicia. Actually, I met her on here first and we met up. I was just recovering from 4 brain surgeries then, so I was sorta beat up. I was also 114 pounds when she saw me and she told me later that she thought I was "scarily skinny." Thinking about that and my dad, I honestly think I would rather be "scarily skinny" than horribly obese. If I'm going to die from a weight problem (which I don't want to) I would rather be dying thin than dying obese. I used to be pretty overweight. I weighed 170 at 14 years old. Now, I weigh 130 and I think I'm hideous, even though that's unrealistic. I don't know... lately, I've been really depressed. I'm not on antidepressants and I'm not taking my bipolar medication properly either. It makes me horribly tired during the day, so I double dose it at night. I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to do that. I leave for my mom's on Saturday, so I wont be online very much, if at all for the whole summer. I guess you can say this is my last journal entry until I get back.