RedHouse's Journal

***DIsclaimer I STILL can not SPELL nor TYPE well, I apologize *******

Hello to DS. It will be 2 year on the 19 that I first joined this site. In that time I have relaped 2, got rid of my adict fiance,found out I needed a liver resection,my abuser died,lost my mother's love and support (not sure it was ever really there) went to a host of bad theripists and nutritionists, and now in my worst relapse in 10 ten years.  I was in treatment in Chattanooga, then in Brevard NC.  I got my weight up at the first place , until I became seriously impacted and was sent to a hospital direct from Steven King's mind, no longer felt safe there, left. Found another residential on somethingfishy or edreferal cant remember, got there and to me, it was a joke. Only 2 groups a day rest free time. It would be a wonfderful place to NOT get treatment,but Its do it or die time. I was thge oldest by ten years. The only one to ever been in residential before. I upset one of the girls by talking about, rather saying that I had been sexually abused.  Both of the theripists  told me and the director I was in the wrong place on topof that the "DBT" theripist told me that i could NOT speak in the group or had to limit my answers because he felt that 1. I was in a place so different then the other girls that it would just be upsetting and cosfusing for THEM and 2. I knew more about DBT then the others and he didint want me jumping ahead.  I know I sound like a pertentios bitch, but seriously I'm telling the truth. My dad finally watched the damage I had done to myself with my ED and he stepped up and offered money for treatment, he started going to Renfrew's Multi Family Groups  and we understand each other a bit better. He wants to see me get well, so when these places  did things that upset me, it was up to him to deside weather I should stay or go, and he decided go for both.  . The second place in NC (I feel weird about naming names since both pleaces are so small and it's clear who I am, I am not saying that these facilities are bad, they were just not for me.) The money issue with the NC place, my father and I put in for the deposit together , for 6 weeks, They WIll not give it back. I can not go to my decided next treatment place (Rosewood Ranch) until we get the deposit.   So with everything  totally out of 'controll' ED is running the show compleatly.  I have to stay well enough to get out to AZ, but everyday something horrid happens. I've got no one to talk to. I'm out of touch with my theripist,  will see my nutritionist on Wednesday (maybe tommorow)  but thats sort of moot right now.  I used to have my mother, she slammed her door on me today. My sister totally  can't listen to me anymore. I think she also hasmade peace with my death. My father who tries, we have a very crazy relationship. His mother was my abuser. She just passed away. Now he calls me every couple of hours because he has no one to process her death. I'm doing my best but its killing me. So much sick emotition filling me up how could I put food in this body?  I am a monster.  I  remember trying to explain my feelings about this at the NC treatment  place and these girls just totally didnt get it. I felt (and feel ) so old. They have there entire lives in front of them. I'm glad they are getting help at 18 ,  I tried at 18  but just couldn't keep it up.  I just felt like this scarry old ugly lady and you know,  It's what I am.  I'm nearly 31, disgusting inside and out.  

I don't know if i'm worth spending more money on. My own mother hates me, she dosen't love me, if your own mother dosen't love you then maybe you aren't supposed to be here. Maybe Its time for me to let ED just finish with me.  

My dad asks what I've eated when he calls, and I lie to him.  I hate the lieing and the guilt.  I hate all of this,  I don't know if writng this down it good or just  fuel to continue my distress, 

I don't know much. Just no food. Your a MONSTER no food!!