Journal

Its been a couple of days since my last entry and I hate to admit it but I've checked quite often hoping someone would write with some words of encouragement or advice.  I'm not saying this to attack or offend anyone, its just seem a common occurance this time around.

Things havent gotten much better.  Despite my efforts, I just dont have the strength to keep forcing myself to do things I dont want to do.  I dont know what to do and cant help being resentful of the fact that this one time when I really feel rundown and unable to keep fighting and actually need some assistance, theres no one able to give it.  I'm not sure if the lack of advice or help is due to people not caring or just not knowing what to say, but it still pisses me off.  Regardless of the problem my friends or family have had, I've always been able to come up with some advice to fix the problem or ease their pain, I'm mad that no one is doing that for me.  I resent many of the people around me for not solving my problems for me as I have always done for them.  When my boyfriend overdraws his bank account, I lend him the money so that he doesnt get anymore late fees, when my mother is upset by the actions of her brothers and sisters, I lie to her telling her that she is unlike them and is innocent in all the fighting and arguments because I know its what she wants to hear and is the only thing she'll respond to.  When my best friend is going through emotional problems and is pushing people out of her life, I stuck by, spending my summer inside her house letter her vent about how she's feeling and comforting her so that she knows she has someone she can always confide in.  When my other good friend started complaining of headaches, I got her tons of information and gave her plenty of suggestions of doctors to see and tests to have done so that she hopefully wouldnt go through what I have and assured her that I would be with her the whole time.  I feel I must be flawed in my perspective on everything because it seems rather egocentric, but despite these things I often do for the people around me, but when I mention my head hurting particularily bad that day, no one says anything.  When I mention that I'm overwhelmed by my classes, school, and work with my constant headaches, no one gives me words of encouragement or any advice.  One of my closest friends confided in me that she's been concerned with some of her behaviors, and agreed that it would help to speak with a therapist, I found her a name of a therapist close by, called to make sure they took her insurance, and gave her the number and told her that if she wanted I'd be more than glad to go with her if it would make her feel more comfortable.  I wish I had a person who would do that for me.  My mother tries to help, but her underlying motive to get rid of my headaches isnt for my sake, so many of her efforts dont amount to much, and my boyfriend tries to be there, but I really dont think he's emotionally capable to dealing with this.  And then my best friend has too many problems of her own to deal with.  I dont know, I'm not blaming the people in my life for not helping, it just sucks.  I'm probably the odd one out, trying to help others as much as I do, so I guess I cant expect the same out of them. 

The only reason I'm mentioning any of this, is as I stated before, I cant get rid of my headaches.  Its not just the constant headache that weakens me, its the constant defeat.  Its trying one thing to get rid of them, putting all my efforts into it and having faith that this would be what finally works, but then hundreds of dollars later, and many hours, days, months wasted forcing myself to do things I didnt want to do but was adviced by my current doctor or practitioner.  Plus I've tried and gone through every idea I've ever had.  I just dont know what to do and dont have the energy to keep fighting.  Plus, I have school to worry about. 

So, I dont know...... I guess we'll see how this one turns out.

So I've found myself in the exact same place as a year ago.  I'm worn out, sick of struggling to live a normal life when I'm not feeling well.  I just got over the flu which completely wiped me out.  Before that, I was doing okay with classes.  I was feeling good enough to go to classes everyday; it kind of ended there.  After running around going to classes throughout the day, my head was hurting too much to come home and study.  Regardless, I thought I was still doing pretty good.  I was feeling good about being able to make it to classes everyday and was anxious to see how I would do on my first midterm exams.  But aparently, going to classes everyday isnt enough and I didnt do nearly as well as I had thought I did on my first set of midterms.  I tried being optimistic about it, but it was a pretty big let down.  I was causing myself a headache everyday trying to get to all of my classes, and it didnt pay off.  So after that, I thought, well maybe I'll just stay home and study on my own and will be better off.  That hasnt paid off too well either.  I just dont have the motivation anymore to really push myself.  I've tried for over 3 years to get rid of my headaches or to atleast live with my headaches and I've failed at both.  I'm right in the middle of my college career and have completely suffered the entire time.  I've just barely got by in most of my classes even though I was putting an honest effort forward; miserable and upset each and every day because I knew I wasnt doing well and had to keep my fingers crossed to pass each class.  On top of that, 3 of my classes I had to retake. 

Then I have to deal with the fact that I keep trying to get rid of my headaches and force myself to take medications or natural supplements throughout the day, go to doctors appointments and physical therapy or chiropractor apointments 2-3 times a week, truly believing that what I was doing was going to help, but none of it has.  I'm just so sick of making myself miserable putting all of this effort forward, just to get nowhere.  And now, I just really dont have the motivation to do anything.  I dont want to go to classes; I dont want to study or take exams; I dont want go to anymore appointments or make anymore appointments; I dont want to take any medications or natural supplements; I dont even want to go out anymore. 

I dont know, I just dont know what to do.  It doesnt seem possible to get through school when I have a headache, and sore muscles, and just random other problems every day.  I mean I could always take a semester off or even just let myself take the summer off and try to put my efforts towards getting better, and that would actually probably be the smart thing to do, but how many times have I put all my efforts towards getting better and failed?  I dont want to risk taking a semester off and not getting any better... then thats a semester wasted and I'm yet another semester away from graduating and being done with school.  Plus, I really dont want to be that person.  I dont want to give into my illnesses, and to be honest, I think its because few people in my life really understand or sympathize with my back problems and headaches.  It'll just look like I'm lazy and taking a semester off for no reason, or because no one thinks my headaches are that big of a deal, it'll seem like I'm too weak to deal with them.  What other people think shouldnt matter, but you know, it does.  It already sucks that I have to suffer and deal with these headaches, but it really sucks that some of my friends and family either dont think its a big deal or that I should just suck it up.  The people that think like this are very prevelent in my life and can you imagine their reactions if I took a semester off!?  The added stress of my friends and family disapproving of what I'm doing with my life isnt something I want to have to deal wtih.

Well I'm off.  If anyone has any advise, it would be much appreciated.  I'm just not sure what I should do.  Thanks.