Suicide is looking good..
November 30, 2008 5:34pm
It's getting worse. I couldn't decide this morning whether to get up and do homework or to kill myself. I am completely useless, I have no …
Progress
50 %
Chaos12’s Profile
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Chaos12
is feeling Horrible
I wish that I could be in some other time and place With someone else's soul, someone else's face
Recently: 6 hugs received more …
About Me
I am a 25 year old woman with rapid cycling bipolar disorder. I have had the diagnosis for five years but am just now accepting it and really trying to get my life on track. I have a dog, and work as a secretary at an Animal clinic. I live with my step-sister(AGGGhHHH), and the rest of my family lives around the state. I hope to go back to school next fall to become a teacher and writer.
Interests
I love animals, my dog especially, reading, writing, dancing, listening to music, singing, acting, watching movies, playing basketball, hiking, camping, climbing rocks, Harry Potter, charity, kindness, swimming, and working with kids.
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Recent Activity
Monday
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Chaos12 updated their status 1:48am
I wish that I could be in some other time and place With someone else's...…
December 2, 2008
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Chaos12 gave BrandonH a little love 11:44pm
Thanks for all your kind words and caring. I am sorry you are feeling bad too, and please know that I…
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Chaos12 gave st5ve a little love 11:41pm
Thanks for the love, back at ya. I hope you are feeling better. Here is you need me. xxx…
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Chaos12 gave gaeryk a hug 11:40pm
I am sorry you are suffering so and hope that things can get better for you, even though there is no…
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Chaos12 gave moomster a hug 11:38pm
I am sooooo glad to hear from you, I was worried. I am sory you have been so sick. Are the doctors doing…
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Journal
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Falling Down The Rabbit Hole...
November 17, 2008 7:41pm
Well I guess it was bound to happen, I suppose I wasn't meant to be happy for long. I feel so defeated, worn, broken. The last two days have been …
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On the Brink...
November 13, 2008 5:59pm
I've been feeling better in general, but my emotions have been on a roller coaster this past week. Not that that is anything new, but it is …
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Changing!!!!!
November 6, 2008 4:34pm
The world is changing, I am HAPPY for now. I cannot predict how long this new found feeling will last, but I am not going to think about when it will …
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Here we go again....
October 20, 2008 9:55pm
I feel so alone, and I know that it is my fault. I alienate myself from others. If they get too close I take ten big steps back. I do it in my sex …
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Hugbook
Hug
The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others
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Hug
My friend I hope you have the strength to overcome all of life challenges and the sight to see what a special person you are
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Hug
Recognize that you have the courage within you to fulfill the purpose of your birth. Summon forth the power of your inner courage and live the life of your dreams.
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Hug
Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy."
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Celebration
hey special girl happy new year love you darling xxx
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Photos
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Goals
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Support Groups
Close Bipolar Disorder
Since I was very young I have had "issues." Always had trouble sleeping, focusing, etc. I spent many years trying to commit suicide. I have been in a mental institute and a treatment center. I have had multiple traumas that I won't go into because I could write on them for days; although I do feel these traumas have worsened my bipolar. There is so much more to my story but not enough room to put it in.
Treatments
- Ativan Somewhat Helpful
- Somewhat helpful, but too addictive.
- Celexa Not Working
- Didn't work.
- Depakote Not Working
- Didn't work.
- Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Considering
- Therapist recommended, just don't know where to find groups.
- Geodon Not Working
- Made me groggy, agitated, and twitch.
- Group Therapy Considering
- DBSA groups on Thursday.
- Haldol Not Working
- Side effects.
- Holistic Health Working / Worked
- Many supplements from a wholistic doctor have helped the mood swings.
- Lamictal Not Working
- Got the neurological rash.
- Lithium Not Working
- Felt like a zombie.
- Seroquel Somewhat Helpful
- Take it to sleep, but am not going to stay on long term because I have been pre-diabetic in the past, and it messes with m/y insulin levels.
- Tegretol Not Working
- Didn't work.
- Topamax Not Working
- Made me nauseous and dizzy.
- Trileptal Not Working
- Made me more manic.
- Wellbutrin Not Working
- Didn't help.
- Zyprexa Not Working
- Made me pshychotic
Close Sexual Abuse
I blocked actual memories with stories, cause I didn't know what else to do. Now all these real memories are rushing in of how my uncle molested me for years, a boy at school for a year, and I was date raped when I was fourteen, by more then one guy. This is of course the short version, as I am too scared to tell it all. I have blocked so much, but it is all coming back now, and it is very scary, and beyond hard, and it makes me hate myself.
Treatments
- Art Working / Worked
- I did art therapy for a couple of years and it did help in a lot of ways.
- Emotions Anonymous (EA) Considering
- There are no meetings in my state.
- Group Therapy Somewhat Helpful
- I went to a group for a small amount of time, but at that time I thought I knew what had happened and I didn't. I felt guilty for being around people who knew.
- Leave Not Working
- I moved to Washington for two years under the guise of going to college, but I really just wanted to run away. All my problems followed and this just made everything worse.
- Music Working / Worked
- Music always helps. I sing, and write music, and sometimes just listening to a song, even if it makes me cry helps to release all I hold inside.
- Reiki Considering
- A Friend of mine is trained in it and she says it really helps, but I have yet to try it.
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- Sometimes talkijng about the pain helps, and sometimes it makes things worse.
Open Eating Disorders
When I was young my grandparents used to make me finish everything on my plate no matter what, even if I got sick. I think it started there.But then as I started to over eat, and become overweight I was tortured by my parents, my uncle and my peers. I hate food, I see it as a form of self-destruction because that is what it has been for me. Yet my main problems have been with overeating and Bulemia. I eat to hurt myself. I have no sense of what a normal eating pattern would look like.
Treatments
- Dietitian Consult Not Working
- The person I worked with was pretty flaky, and suggested unhealthy things.
- Outpatient Treatment Program Working / Worked
- I was in treatment for many different things, but this is where I learned I had an eating disorder, and that place helped me more then I can ever say; it saved my life.
- Overeaters Anonymous (OA) Not Working
- Had a hard time sticking to such rigidity.
- Paxil Not Working
- Made me sick.
- Prozac Not Working
- worked for a small period of time and then I adapted to it.
- Residential Treatment Center Working / Worked
- I was at The Meadows in Arizona, and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
- Support from Friends & Family Somewhat Helpful
- Depends on who I talk to about it.
- Topamax Not Working
- Made me really drowsy, dizzy, and sick.
- Zoloft Not Working
- Had side effects.
Open Physical & Emotional Abuse
No one ever liked me very much, I was always weird. I suffered physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my peers. I chose "boyfriends" and friends that were emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I suffered emotional abuse from my parents, and physical abuse from my father, and girlfriends and boyfriends that my parents have had.
Treatments
- Abuse Counseling Somewhat Helpful
- I had counselers that were not helpful because of who they were, but I had some success with the people who have stuck with me.
- Art Working / Worked
- I did art therapy for 2 years, and I really found it helpful. Things came out of it I didn't even knwo were in me.
- Forgiveness Working / Worked
- Forgiveness is the most potent tool, not letting the abusers have the power. Besides my mother has earned my forgiveness.
- Group Therapy Considering
- Would like to have a group to go too.
- Leave Not Working
- Tried to run away, and I attracted the same people I always have.
- Music Working / Worked
- Music is such a powerful tool. I sing, and it always makes me feel better, as does hearing a song that holds meaning for me.
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- Talking can either help, or drive me deeper into a "strained" state. It depends on the day, and the topic.
Open Insomnia
I have never been able to sleep. I think I was sexually abused while I was sleeping when I was very young, and now I have such a block against being in a position that is so vulnerable. Also I have Bipolar disorder and whenever I have to slow down, I get anxious, and my thoughts race, and it makes it very hard to sleep. I ahve tried pills, but I think for me it is more of an emotional block, because my mind powers through sleeping pills.
Treatments
- Ambien Not Working
- Worked for a little bit, and then I adapted. I could take three and still not sleep.
- Ativan Not Working
- Too addictive.
- Counting Sheep Not Working
- Doesn't occupy my mind enough.
- Cyproheptadine Not Working
- Didn't work.
- Meditation Not Working
- Can't quiet my mind enough to meditate.
- Music Somewhat Helpful
- Depends on the day and what I listen too, but sometimes music can help me get to sleep.
- Reading Not Working
- I love to read, and if it's a book that I like I get too involved and it actually wakes me up.
- Trazodone Not Working
- Made me sick.
- Valerian Not Working
- Never even had any effects.
Open Financial Challenges
I have bipolar disorder and bacuse of my manic stages I have spent a lot of money on things that I don't even need. I have very bad credit card debt, and I have a lot of health bill debt because of my disorder, and because of anxiety, and so forth.
Treatments
- Budgeting Somewhat Helpful
- I am doing this now, and it does help to a point, but sometimes I still don't listen to the budget.
- Credit Counseling Not Working
- Tried, but thier fees were outragous.
- Cut Up Credit Cards Working / Worked
- Can't use any of my credit cards any more because they have been cut up, and this helps in a very practical way.
- Earn Money Somewhat Helpful
- Working an extra job has helped me have more money to put towards my debt.
Open Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
When I was as young as 2 my father used to come into my room and tell me he was going to take me away from my mother. I have been abused in many ways over time, all stemming from those words whispered in the dark. Some trauma's have been big and some have been small and built up because they kept happening. Now I have learned to bond to the trauma, I pick people places and things that promise the same trauma I have already experienced.
Treatments
- Art Working / Worked
- I did art therapy for two years and it really helped. I found out things there abut myself that I never would have any other way.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Considering
- Would like totry it.
- Effexor Not Working
- Made me sick.
- EMDR Somewhat Helpful
- Depending on the time in my life when i've done it.When I was younger it was too much for me, the memories that would come up overpowered me.
- Emotions Anonymous (EA) Considering
- Wish I could but there are no meetings in my state.
- Guided Imagery Working / Worked
- When I was in treatment they did this with me,and it definitely released some demons.
- Music Working / Worked
- Always helps, especially if it is a song I can sing too because I love to sing.
- Paxil Not Working
- Made me sick, side effects.
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- I've been in therapy since I was eight. Depending upon the therapist it has helped and hindered.
- Rape Counseling Not Working
- My therapist was a flake and wouldn't show up for our appointments.
- Reading Working / Worked
- If it's a book I really am into or really love then it helps engage my mind. I am a big Harry Potter geek, and I keep reading all the books over and over because for some reason they help me.
- Remeron Not Working
- Didn't work.
- Seroquel Somewhat Helpful
- Using it as a sleeping aide right now.It helps toa point.
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- Depends on the day you catch me on.
- Topamax Not Working
- Made me sick.
- Zoloft Not Working
- Did Nothing.
Open Sex / Pornography Addiction
I have always been obsessed with sex. When I was five and my little male friends would come over for playdates, I would strip off all my clothes and run to the front door. I think my compulsion towards sexual acts is tied to my sexual abuse history, and I think from that my self worth got tied to sex, or how sexually aroused I could make a man. I am obsessed with being wanted. I have been into, SNM, dangerous situations, exhibtionism, anonymous encounters,and I prostituted myself.
Treatments
- Group Therapy Working / Worked
- I was in SAA for a while, and I went through the twelve steps twice. I felt that it helped me feel not so shameful, because I knew others felt the same way, had done similar things.
Open Alcoholism
The first time I ever got drunk was when I was five. Does that tell enough. NO I guess not. I drank every day, for years, hard liqour, and my tolerence is super high, and I would drink till I got alcohol poisoning because I couldn't feel it. Used it to kill the pain, like so many other things.
Treatments
- 12 Step Program Working / Worked
- Has been enormously helpful.
- AA Meetings Working / Worked
- Has been enormously helpful.
- Detox Working / Worked
- Had to in rehab, sucked but got the toxins out of my system.
Open Self-Injury
It really took off in junior high when I started cutting, and the boys thought it was cool, and then escalated into full out suicide attempts, that had to do with overdoses, head banging, lying down in front of traffic, and cutting. I thought I was through with this chapter of my life but I cut myself about a month ago, and smashed my head into a wall several times about two weeks ago. Been resistant to join this group and admit I still think about it all the time.
Treatments
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- Deterred me, after I had been through rehab, and knew that what I was doing was selfish.
- Rubber Bands Considering
- My therapist told me to try it, still haven't though.
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- Can be helpful if I'm really on the edge of doing something, and the other person can listen with empathy.
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Groups
depression poetry
Incest Survivors
WHAT I DID RIGHT TODAY
Time to speak up
Sexaholics
At The Movies
Writers Corner
BABY ZOMBIES HOUSE OF HORRORS
Victims and survivors of sexual abuse
The Poetry Guild
Buddy System
For Sex Addicts Only
hi im an alcoholic and an addict
TOTALLY SCREWED UP
Young Beepers
Lets Write It Out !
stopkillourself
Procrastinators Anonymous
Music and More
Coffee Jammed
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Snapshot
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