samh1985's Journal

hi

 i have been writing on here for the past few days and i find it has been relieving me getting it out of my system.

ok i was reading through my previous post comments from my mum and yea i know shes right about me having depression, its just trying to work out what type i have?

 my sister has bipolar and anxiaty plus other things. i think my dad had bipolar aswell. i know my mum had depression not sure if she still has though. Depression, anxiaty and bipolar all run in my familly on both sides.

ive been browsing the internet trying to work out what type mine could be.

now in the postnatal depression catogry i fit a few things, like yea i feel like i cant cope, sometmes i feel like im a bad mum and tell myself the kids would be better off in care.

i also fit in the bipolar catogry a bit aswell, like i feel up 1 munuite and down the next and im always forgetting things said to me 5 mins before or different occurences.

ive always blamed my short term memory loss on an accident i had when i was younger, but maybe its more than that, im really not sure.

i spoke to graham about it last night and told him i didnt want to go to the dr's about it coz i dont want to be put on anti depressants again and become reliant on them like some people do. i have been on them before when my dad died and i couldnt handle it, my sis got me off them about a week later. anyway graham said if i am that conserned then go to the dr's, but i dont wana go on my own because i know what im like, i would end up hiding things from him like i always do. ive got a habit of bottling things up. my sis and mommy say i can talk to them about it all but i find it hard talking to anyone.

i feel like the world and everyone in it hates me. i feel like i cant cope with the kids, even though i love them all with all my heart.

writing this entry is upsetting me but if i dont get it out now then when will i??

my sister is worrying about me, i read her journal and shes feeling down because of me and other things but i dont want her to worry about me as much as she does because she is ill. i love her to pieces, but i feel like she dont love me as much as i love her. i feel the same way about every1, i feel like im using all my strength to love people and feel im not getting it back.

i always seem to have negativity, never seeing the positive side of things. i worry about everything and have no confidence in myself.

i cant be bothered to do anything exept for sit on the computer all day but i put that feeling to one side and consentrate on the kids.

ive constantly got a strong urge to brush my hair and have to litteraly fight the feeling to stop myself doing it. i dont seem to care about myself or my image. i just want to sit in my jama's all day but graham doesnt like that so i get dressed each day for him but it takes me a while to go and do it.

yea im admitting alot here but if i dont now then i never will. i somehow manage to block everything out and go into a trance where i constantly think about things. but usually im thinking negatively about graham or my other familly. i feel like i want to go back in time where i was single so i could go out and drink loads of alcohol to drown out how im feeling. but unfortunatly i cant do that.

i have 3 kids and i dont drink alcohol because i know ive got the kids to deal with the next day and if the baby wakes up through the night i cant sort her out. i feel like i have to do everything on my own and feel very very lonely, when my sis or my mum say theyre coming here or im going there i get like a buzz and get kind of exited. not sure why that is.

im always blaming graham for everything and sometimes feel i hate him but i love him at the same time. when we argue i go quiet because im scared of the consiquences. im constantly thing what if? i cant laugh at funny things anymore and think everythings stupid.

anyway im going to pull myself together now because i have to tidy up and get dressed, grahams on his lesson and i dont want him coming back and having a go at me for the mess and the fact im in my jama's. he doesnt understand how im feeling and thinks im acting childish when i cry but i cant help crying so now i just hide it.

bye bye xx