samh1985's Journal

here we go!! this journal comes in handy when you just want a rant!!

well i got very very pissed off last night!! I had been up since 7:10am with the kids! sorted them out then blitzed the full of downstairs, was going from half 7 am.

i got rather tired again so i thaught oh yea ill sit down and have a cuppa before im at it again! so chill out here i come, exept for i cudnt chill out coz i have my son pulling at me saying mam juice, mam crisps, mam biscuits etc..

obviously graham's still in bed (my partner), i let him sleep coz i know when he wakes up he will be saying sam make a cuppa, sam do this, sam do that!!! it pisses me off coz he goes round telling every1 how much of a saint he is then he does a bit of housework saying i havent done it!!! i say to him well u fucking start getting up on a morning with me and the kids then u wud see how much i do, either that or swap places with me but he refuses!!

anyway back to the point!!

graham got up at nearly 1pm, the first thing he says is sam make a cuppa!! ok so yea i did it coz i wanted one anyway!! but then i braught it up and said heres your cuppa and he said uhuh!! i went downstairs to see to the baby coz she was crying, i sorted her about an hour later then i went back upstairs and guess what!! he was still in bed!! i woke him up again and he said the reason why he want up yet is coz he still waiting for his cuppa!! oooooooohhhhhhhh that pissed me right off, i said i made ur cuppa an hour ago and he says well u never shouted me 2 tell; me its there!! oh yes i did!!

yea then he got out of bed and said r u gona put somemore washing in today!! wtf i already did!! was waiting for it to dry. i told him what time i had been up since and what i had been doing. he didnt reply!!

bit later my sis and her bf came coz i asked them to have the baby overnight for me coz i need a break!! she was here for a good few hours then asked me to sort katelyns stuff out but then she ended up doing it because  i had hold of katelyn. Graham was upstairs on his pc, like he had been all day!! he said he was trying to sort his website out or something.

ok so fair enuf just lately he has been mostly off his pc and downstairs, but hes been on the xbox, my sis says thats the same thing but i dissagree coz at least hes downstairs if i need help with the kids!! but im fucking wrong as usually tells every1 how much of a good dad he is by sticking around for his kids!! dya know what?? he hardly phones his daughter in hartlepool, she has to phone him!!!

 ok going off the subject again!! right anyway, my sis bf was sat in the room with me and i was feeding the baby, graham shouts me to come to him, i shouted i cant ive got the baby, then 5 mins later he shouts again to go to him!! my  sis bf looked at me in disbelief and was shocked!! he asked me where the bakki was? how the fk can i go get it when ive got the baby!!!

bit later my sis and he bf went. ok i got the kids to bed at 7pm. i tidied the front room up again!! and then went on my pc upstairs. i was on it tilll 11:30pm and then graham started bugging me for a cuppa and some food!! i said to him im trying to chill out ive been up since 7:10am doing housework!! and guess what he said?? "then why was the front room a mess when i went downstairs!!" its like he didnt fucking believe me!! i said yea we do have 3 kids and its hard me looking after them and doing the housewrok while you sleep in past dinner time and half way thru the day!! i said if i aint done fk all then why is the kitchen tidy and right thru then?? and he said i aint been in the kitchen!!!!!! ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh im so fucking angry with him!!!"

every1 notices how he treats me but i wont leave him!! you know why?? coz i know i wudnt cope!! yea ok so in your heads ur thinkin yea you wud coz u do it on ur own anyway!! but i know i wud crack up!! i hate being on my own for 1, and how wud you expect me to go anywhere with the kids on my own when 2 of them r still in pushchairs??

i felt like every1 is on his side because they say its me who does jack shit!! the only person who agreed with me was grahams dad who fucking lived here and seen what grahams like!! graham says he spent all his time on his pc because he was sick of hiis dads drinkin!! but he did fk all about it!! even when i told graham his dad was abusing me and the kids he did fuck all untill i told my sis and mum and step dad!! they tuned him and he eventually kicked him out!! i think he only did it coz he was pressured into it!! so it seems!!! think he was scared of him, yet i was the one who stood up 2 him, and i cant even stand up to graham coz everytime i do he threatens to smash something up!! my step dad said for us to talk bout our problems to eachother but everytime i do try he fucking kicks off with me!!

i tried telling him the other night i dont wana get married anymore dont see much point coz we already act like a married couple and he said whats the matter? dont u wana be with me anymore??? yea i said i do. i feel like hes pressuring me into marrage!! 

im ranting on here coz if i rant to him there will be major kick offs!! my family and friends all see it, and so does his step dad!! but do i?? yes i do but i feel like im trapped!! im gona end up where im on my own, the kids in care and me feeling suicidal!! yea but i still cant fucking tell him!! 

I GIVE UP!! im not strong enuf to cope anymore!! but i have no choice because of my kids, i love them all to much to give up anything!! they keep me going!!!