Journal

Well as for the SS cp meeting yesterday, it went really well and theyre not doing a cp plan which is fantastic news, 1 less worry off my mind.

today my daughter has gone for an mri scan because of her nystagmus. she is only 2 and she has to go thru so much. Graham has took her. im home alone well i got the baby but shes asleep, reece is at nursery.

the hospital are making an app to see her consultent in 2 weeks to get the results of the mri. Graham phoned and said it was horrible to watch her going under anesthesia because he had to hold her while they did it. then he said she went all floppy.

anyway in a way im glad theyre doing it because it will find out if theyres anything wrong in her brain. and maybe give us some answers as to why she has nystagmus. no garuntee tho.

anyway im doing housework to take my mind off it, bye for now xx

what have we done? we have basically torn our family apart because we are so stupid and immature. Social services have taken my kids away, My son to stay with my sister, her bf lee and my 2 girls staying with my mum and step dad. I am lucky though because they arnt in care!! im glad theyre with them and not strangers. My Family have been my saviours the last few days, i dunno where i would be without them. I aprreciate everything so much i cant express how much. I am not going to make the same mistake again, im not risking loosing my babies all together!! no chance will that ever happen!!

just want to give big hugs, kisses and thanx to my sis michelle dicken, the best sister any1 could ever ask for. im the lucky 1 because shes my sister, lee blake my bro in law, hes been such a star and is there for us no matter what, My mum ann webb saviour who has taken my girls for me and is looking after them. and my step dad steve webb, he has been more like a dad to me than any1 ever has been, he is always there for us and gives some brilliant advice which now i realise i should listen to him more.

Having the kids basically took off me has ripped me apart, but  like i said, i would rather them be either here with me or there with my family and not with a carer or anything. i dont want to be a part time mum, but at the moment i dont have a choice!! this is why i am fighting to do as ss ask and sort out my big mistake so that they can be here with me. I miss them sooo much and the pain is unbearable but i have to keep pushing myself and going for it if i am to succeed.

just want to tell all my family that i love them sooooo much every1 of them and i will now learn my lesson and appreciate what ive got and take no risks to loose any of them, including my 3 amazing kids.

anyway im going to bed now to try and relax, get ready for more hard work tomorrow but it will be worth it in the end.

Now what!! ive now pissed my familly off again! thats me all over. i cant appreciate what i have and most people want.

oh well i know what and who i want to be, but she keeps hiding and wont come out. all thats ever shown is some sort of demon.

sometimes i wish i could take a joke but guess i never will, wheres my personallity and sense of humor gone? or was it ever there! 

oh well i guess maybe i should just carry on my life as normal now, as it will never change. same thing day in day out. Guess thats life!