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HollyNRK 
2:29am, October 31, 2008
I don't know how much longer I can take this. It will be a year Oct. 19 since I lost Mom. I cry for her like I lost her only minutes ago. I need her so badly. I pine for her. I feel constant urges... this insatiable need... to pick up the phone and talk with her. I have so much to tell her, so much to update her on, I need her advice on Bumpers, I need her approval and her love. I need to say "I am sorry" and "Goodbye" and tell her how much I love her. I need to beg her to stay. I have lost my soul mate, my best friend...she was my everything. I am struggling to make it...to exist.... without her. The only person I will ever love as much as her is Bumpers (or any other children I may have one day). She was only 60...she was a brand new Nana! Why did this happen? Oh my God...Why? I am falling apart. Every day I die a little more. I am no longer in denial...this is real...and it is horrible....and it's never going away. I can't make it through this month. My heart is breaking into a million pieces...broken...I am so broken.
Comments
Holly, the upcoming 1 year anniversary is the hardest I found to deal with. I relived everything all over again. I was a complete mess the entire week before the anniversary, sobbing like I did when she first died. You have to just go with your feelings and let it out. I have been there and I am here for you. Lots of hugs and love, Rachele
rachele70nj
I hear you hun. I feel your pain. Friday will be 10 yrs for me and I feel like it was only moments ago that I lost my mom. I don't want that to deter you from thinkin that there is no end to where you are now, because there is. If anything Bumpers is the one and only to help bring you out. But honestly no matter what anyone says at this point in time it's not going to help, you need to feel this pain. It is so raw and real, you can't hear or feel anything else. The strength and will to go on comes from within and in time. So just hang in there sweetie and lean on those around you for strength during the times you cannot do it alone. And remember, you are NEVER alone. (((huggs))) to you dear.
Juliesta
Holly... that 1 year anniversary was hell for me. It sent me into such a spiral that I am just recovering. As you said, it's now real. She has been gone a whole year and your mind and heart and soul are just realizing this, just getting to accept this. As everyone has said, this is going to be hard, but you will pull through it. With your husband's love and Bumper's love and your mom's love, you WILL make it. Feel what you need to feel. Do what you need to do. And know that I am here for you, because, if not for you and the wonderful group you started, I would not have made it through. I'm here for you, my friend, always. Big hugs and many prayers, Bel
BigRedInBK
Holly, the pain you're in right now just breaks my heart. Hang in there sweetie! Love, Cheryl
CherKeg
Holly, my heart breaks that you feel this same way as I am now. It is so unfair and I am not sure I will make it through this month. I am not sure if I even want to. For some reason, I thought it would get easier as the months pass but it has not. I am still somewhat in denail, but with the anniv. coming I am starting to lose even that "protection" I have wrapped myself in. Wrap your arms around Bumpers and hug tight. I so wish my kids would be here, but they have their own lives now. I am with you in spirit and somehow, we will get through this. Much love and many gentle hugs, Sharon
carlos
Holly, I am sure that in time, things will get so much easier for you.
Have you been to see someone in a professional capacity? I dont think it could do you any harm.
Have you read the book that I recommended to you long ago? On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler.
it worries me that 12 months on you are still hurting so bad. Dont get me wrong, I am not putting a time limit on you - that is not what I mean, I have just found myself that I have learned to live with my mothers passing. I still cry, but nowhere near as much. And its little things that can set me off crying.....
Please message me and let me know you are ok
Sam
Sam65
It is soo hard, I know. I would do anything to have my MOm back. It still seems so unreal to me!! I hope you make it through October. Try to be strong. BIG HUG FOR YOU. Kristine
pinkybear