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HollyNRK 
2:29am, October 31, 2008
It seems I only write in my journal when I am having a rough time. Right now, life is not so good. I am exhausted...emotionally, physically and mentally. I can't quit thinking about how this time last year my Mom was still alive...still very much a huge part of my day to day life. How comfortable and loved I was. It's something you don't fully realize that when you have it, you wear a mother's love casually, like it's a beautiful scarf....only when a Mother's love is gone forever do you understand what it means to by really and truly...unconditionally loved.
I keep re-living all the little things she did...remembering how it was....and realizing what is lost. It's crazy to think that I still can't believe that I will never hear her sweet voice again. It still feels like a really long nightmare. October is just around the corner and I don't know how I will get through the one year anniversary and the rocky months leading up to it.
My family as I knew it doesn't exist anymore. My brothers have completely isolated themselves from me...and my Dad. They won't even talk about Mom, it's as if they don't speak her name then it didn't happen. When I mention her, they bite my head off! How dare I say I miss her? THEY miss her too...so I am supposed to just shut the hell up. So I am drowning...with only my Dad as my support. My Mom was the glue...now she's gone...and so is my family. So, at times, I am mourning that loss as well.
Bumpers is also wearing me out...he is going through a fit-throwing, high-pitched screaming, running away from Mommy and Daddy phase....so lovely. But when he slows down for a moment, he is angelic....Kissing dogs, cats, pictures of his Nana...and me. I absolutely live for him. He keeps me live! Still, it would be nice just to sit in a quiet room for a week, take a break from it all and think about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have no focus and no motivation. I don't recognize the woman in the mirror anymore. She's sad, anxious, depressed, tired looking, older. My husband just interrupted me...have to go...he has things he needs me to do for his family trip. Must be nice, I just wish I still had a family...just wish I still had my Mom. My world will never be the same.
Comments
I so understand Holly. You know what I do when I feel like this which is all the time lately.....I go and I walk. Not always because its healthy and a good thing for anxiety but because I don't know what else to do with myself. I don't know when this loss is going to set in. I miss my Mom so bad....it hurts so much. I know your emotions....I have the same ones. I'm trying to learn how to be in the present more. Its really hard to do but I do it at times. I still feel in shock sometimes.....like it never happened. I have more than ample time to sit and think about what I want to do with my life and guess what.....I can't even think straight enough to come to a conclusion. I feel stuck. I have no distractions but I wish I did because then I would have more of a purpose. On the flip side I have been contemplating getting a puppy because of my loneliness but I'm afraid of the commitment.
I'm sorry about your brothers not being supportive. My sisters never talk about my Mom. Not a peep out of my brother. Ever. Like nothing happened!! Its infuriating at times. It is our job to keep their memories alive. Still so hard to do it though.
You are so right about that loss of unconditional love. Nobody could ever argue that. I'm here for you always. Big Hugs to you! Love, Joy
Joyfulgrl
You don't know how much your words resonate with me. I feel like this every single day. I understand the loss of the love, of you mattering completely to someone else in this world. The loss of my mom has changed me to my core... I look in the mirror and don't even recognize the face I see anymore. All I see is grief and pain. Some days, I sit on my couch and just cry because I don't know what to do, who to turn to, where to go.
Holly, you are so blessed that you have your Dad and your son. Keep looking to them for strength. Unfortunately, for the rest of your family, things may take a long time to return to normal, if it ever does. Everyone deals with death differently, especially men. They're not suppose to show emotion. To always appear strong. My younger brother hardly ever talks about our mom unless I bring her up, but I know he's hurting as much as I am. That he misses her as much as I do. And, yes, like Joy said, it can be frustrating but that's how he's choosing to deal with this.
You know that I'm here for you. Always. Lean on me and the rest of us in MD when you need to. Loads of hugs! Bel
BigRedInBK
My family is doing the same exact thing. It's like if no one acknowledges the "big elephant" in the room then it's not there. My parents were also the glue in our family. My only brother just moved away to Minnesota. My mom's family pretty much ignores us which is painful since we were all really close. My counselor told me that my family was probably always this way and I didn't notice it since my parents were the center of the family. Even if this is true, like you said it's more loss. Sending you lots of hugs! Deb
Debph
I thought I was reading my own words. The intensity of the sadness is so overwhelming. I have my brother, thank goodness, and we are very close. My husband thinks he is being supportive, and everyone else thinks he is too but I think since my mom died, (even writing the words are so hard!) I feel so much more alone. I have my children too, 19 and 10, and they are my reason for living. My husband lost his cell phone again and my daughter is diabetic. I have no one else and when I tell my husband he's the only one I can call in an emergency, he just doesn't get how important it is to me to be able to reach him. He just doesn't get it! Why do men make things so difficult sometimes. I really love him, he's a wonderful husband and father, but I can tell you, my mother loved me unconditionally and would never had upset me like this. I know I'm sort of babbling but I'm crying right now and feel so sad and alone and don't know how to live the life ahead of me. I'm so scared sometimes to go on. How could this have happened when I needed her so much in my life? I'm so sorry for all of you to be feeling this badly too! It is the worst feeling I can imagine.
elgaralex
I love what you say about wearing your mothers love like a scarf. You are so right. I feel as if I have lost all my confidence and that quite frankly no one in the world actually loves me now. There is no love like a mothers love xx
Jennifer511
I also love what you said about wearing your Mom's love like a scarf! That described it excally, you don't know how much you take that for granted. I was so confident and comfortable and just loved. My friends were there and my little woes are insignificant compared to now. I don't even know who I am anymore, your speaking the words right from my heart, I look in the mirror. Who is this aging, haggard, so serious, depressed looking woman?? Where was the carefree, fun-loving, life of the party, beaming beauty that was???
I'm so sorry about your brothers too hun, I know it may not help or feel better, but men really do seem to have a hard time dealing with grief, my step-dad, finally seemed to show a little remorse, but he still won't even let go about it, but a huge step is I can now talk about Mom with him occasionally and he doesn't judge me for my feelings. My sister is VERY VERY SLOWELY coming around, I finally had to be blunt and begg her to hang with me it seems. She slowely is talking about Mom more. But when i'm all out depressed in the mixed of griefing, I certainly cannot call her. Anyways hun, sorry didn't mean to go on about me, it's just what your going through seems similar and brought up a lot for me. ))SENDING LOVE AND HUGS((
Heather19762
Boy your words are so much how I feel. It was like I was reading the pass year of my life. Yes we don't realize how important someone is until they are gone and then we are lost. Mom and I were so close and I don't have any regrets but I wish I had her here to talk to. I could tell her anything. Anything. She would listen. 9:44 a.m. August 7, 07 my life forever changed. My best friend and Momma went to heaven. Man it just sucks. Take care and sending you hugs and support. Love, Donna
DonnaMae
Your life sounds like I could have written this. My siblings have isolated themselves since my mom's death in April. It is so painful. My four year old is going through a replay of the terrible twos, but they seem like she turned up the volume on them! You are coming up on a year of losing your mom. I want to give you my support and prayers because it is still very fresh for you, but others are starting to think that your grief may be less by now. I know that isn't true and I want you to know that I understand and relate. I know your mom is right there with you watching over you and Bumpers. Big hugs to you.
LillyBlossom