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HollyNRK 
2:29am, October 31, 2008
I am having a really bad day. Last night I dreamed that my Mom was still alive. I gave her a big hug and held on for dear life. It felt so real in my dream...like it was really happening. When I woke up and realized that it was a dream and she was gone, I just got so sad...so depressed. My heart was just breaking. I have been on the verge of tears all day long and sometimes they break through. I don't care much about anything anymore except for Bumpers. He makes my world go round. I just want my Mommy back. I miss her and need her so much. This is just awful...dreadful....I can't imagine that I will ever be truly happy again. My whole life consists of "pretending" to be happy for Bumpers, hubby, my friends...when the reality is I am dying on the inside. Some days, I am not even sure how I can make it another second without her. She is always at the top of my mind. I want that dream to be real....I want to live in that dream. I just can't shake this...it's like most of my life ended with her. Oh...Mom...can't you please come back?
Comments
awwwww i hate when that happens the dreams! sending you a hug x
pindy
im so sorry Holly. i wish there was something i could do to help u. God bless.
septfreedom07
I am so sorry you are sad Holly. Ironically, I just woke up from a dream about my mother. We were at a local bakery together and it seemed so real too. I, too, am so incredibly sad and feel as if people don't realize how bad I am feeling. (not that if matters or would make a difference anyway, I guess). I can't believe she's only been gone 3 months ; feels like a lifetime and can't imagine not seeing her again. It is so weird because my brother and father are gone too and I miss them terribly and love them very much but it's amazing how hard this is without my mother. I want my mommy too! I feel so much the same as you do; pretending and trodding along for everyone else because I guess they need us, but I feel dead inside. I am just praying for strength for all of us.
elgaralex
It's so hard to put on a happy face and pretend that you're okay, for everyone else. It saddens me to see you in so much pain. Sending you lots of hugs! Love, Cheryl
CherKeg
I wish mine would come back too, but since I know that is not going to happen I have to deal with her being gone. I HATE it. I hope you feel better soon.
cmach
Aw sweetheart I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope your pain lifts soon. xx
Jennifer511
I have those dreams all the time of both my parents. I personally take comfort in them and believe them to be my parents communicating with me. I guess i was lucky my mom talked constantly about the fact she would die one day and how she still missed her mom - this at 70 + yrs old. So I thought a lot about it. Now I know no one can ever prepare you for the death of your mom cause there's no way to describe it to you if you haven't been there. No words for those feelings. But the fact she tried made an impression and when it happened i remembered her words and i thought now i know how you felt when geanma passed. And i knew i would survive because she had and i am her daughter her blood runs in my veins so i can do it to. And i have. This yr will be 20 yrs she's been gone. I wouldn't call her back. She's living better now than ever before and in a timeless place where it won't seem long at all to her till we're all back together again. In the meantime she's having a nonstop incredible reunion with her family. She would want me to make the most of what i have while i'm here. She often told me you shouldn't wish your life away.
terrys
This is so weird. Every recent journal I have commented on this morning has been about dreams. I had a dream last nite about my Mom....that she was still alive and with me. I could feel her and I didn't want to wake up. I can count on one hand how many dreams I've had since she passed. I was in such a bad state yesterday and of course this morning too. That is great you have Bumpers to help you get through this. I too pretend and am getting sick of putting on a freakin smile when inside I'm torn apart. I think "What the hell is wrong with everyone?". Why can't people understand what I'm going through? Why is this so hard. So glad that I have you and DS to help me through Holly. Hang in there as this too shall pass. I better get ready for work....sick of that too. Love and big hug to you, Joy
Joyfulgrl
i too feel like i'm dying on the inside people sometimes say you're coping well or you look better but i think i'm just getting better at hiding my pain thats all no miracle cure, we learn to carry on but it doesn't mean we feel o.k. You're in my thoughts Holly you are surrounded by people who know your pain and who care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
looly1
i am sorry ,I had a rough nite also.
I didn't close my eyes until 4am
poohscorner
You aren't alone in feeling like you're pretending to be "on" for the rest of the world. We finally buried my mother's remains on Weds, even though she died in February. It is really hard. Big hugs.
LillyBlossom