calib0i's Journal

My chronic pain has gotten so bad it affects everything in my life...most days i cant make it threw without 3 IV (8 today) shots in addition to my normal meds..and im still having blackouts from the pain then.... ive been on all the pain meds..and examined for a pain pump and or electrical stimulator and they said the pain was too bad for either..and my kidneys most likely couldnt handle more meds...the pain specialists and alot of my other docters have said double above knee amputation is the only option but dont know a surgeon that will do elective surgery for pain...every night i feel lost and hopeless and usually cry myself to sleep if i dont blackout instead...my boyfriend that takes care of me is the only thing i have...i dont know what to do...if anyone knows a surgeon anywhere i will travel or do whatever it takes...but just please help...to be honest...i feel suicidle every night...and feel like my boy deserves someone better...but he hates me talking like that...n said i cant die till he says so...hes the only thing keeping me on this earth without this surgery..sometimes i push away the only things i have to make it easier to do the stupid thing..but so far ive pushed..but not hard enough...n im thankfull for that..he means so much to me..n tells me itll be ok...but im just lost...i dont even know how to think about the pain anymore...i just need it gone or limited