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calib0i 
2:14am, July 16, 2009
my bf dumped me months ago...after leaving me alone in a trailer with no food or meds for 2 days...its over...i lived with a friend for a bit...who saved me...n now living with one of my brothers from secondlife...but i cant even be a good brother n make him happy...i have no purpose...all i do is wake/sleep/eat n thats all in pain.....im litterally just waiting for my time to run out....n watching it all fall away arround me...your not supposed to be like this when your 21...60-90..yes...but not now...i want my life back....but unless i can get alot of money...the disease will have progressed too far by then....i just want to die now..n save the people who will be taking care of me..the burden..n the pain of watching me slowly die away..n atleast if i do it..i control it...n for once..control the pain..im just so tired...almost every minute of every day i feel like grabbing a knife and ending it...if u dont hear from me again..im sorry i really am...but ill be in a better place even if thats hell or heaven or a ghost..it cant be as bad as this
cya
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My chronic pain has gotten so bad it affects everything in my life...most days i cant make it threw without 3 IV (8 today) shots in addition to my normal meds..and im still having blackouts from the pain then.... ive been on all the pain meds..and examined for a pain pump and or electrical stimulator and they said the pain was too bad for either..and my kidneys most likely couldnt handle more meds...the pain specialists and alot of my other docters have said double above knee amputation is the only option but dont know a surgeon that will do elective surgery for pain...every night i feel lost and hopeless and usually cry myself to sleep if i dont blackout instead...my boyfriend that takes care of me is the only thing i have...i dont know what to do...if anyone knows a surgeon anywhere i will travel or do whatever it takes...but just please help...to be honest...i feel suicidle every night...and feel like my boy deserves someone better...but he hates me talking like that...n said i cant die till he says so...hes the only thing keeping me on this earth without this surgery..sometimes i push away the only things i have to make it easier to do the stupid thing..but so far ive pushed..but not hard enough...n im thankfull for that..he means so much to me..n tells me itll be ok...but im just lost...i dont even know how to think about the pain anymore...i just need it gone or limited
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related links..me asking for advice
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Chr...
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Amp...
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Hang on my Friend. Lots of hugs prayers and wishes to you. hugs-Stephanie
my boyfriend wrecked the car...we were both in it..guess he hadnt eaten in like a day and a half since his "ear infection" had like dislocated his jaw n couldnt eat..but he blacked out at the wheel going like 15mph and we rammed a pole and then i jammed my legs into the dash cuz of the impact n my chest n shit was hurting after i came back from blacking out from pain...n we got lots of bills...i think me n him bein togeather is the only reason either of us are dealing....messed up right now but i got my docters appointment n then found some spare meds so the 15 day withdrawl ended....n working on IHSS so my boy can get paid for taking care of me...n so we can make it threw bill day...but i hope the rest of you are doing alot better..cuz i know most people are havin shit with jobs n money..i think about you guys alot..just havent been able to post much..anyways big hugs for tebiki, vchen, danroy, mrstarmen, all my amputee buds, and anyone going threw shit or anyone i forgot...love ya all ttys
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Glad you're alright after your accident. hugs-Stephanie
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my friend.....sorry to hear about your boy friend leaving.....perhaps it was not meant to be.....happens to us all....and the effect of loosing a love one like that .. its hurt....happened to me....plenty of times.......dont do anything like that....satan is putting that awful thought in your mind....dont give into temptation...god is testing your faith my friend.....they care for you because they love you......you are still here because god has a purpose for you , all of us, we may not look at it that way, but there is, and its hurts for some of us, but dont give in............god has a plan for you.........dont give satan the victory my brother........i am here for you always...............praying for you to remain strong in the lord.........the lord is looking upon you..........alls going to be fine...you will see..........god bless you..........gods love
danroy