greater clarity re: my life struggles
January 26, 2009 11:27am
so much is clearer now as i view my tormented life. i have had burdens to carry, hurdles to leap, mountains to scale and pits to climb …
sks
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About Me
sks
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About Me
i am passionate about intimacy, authenticity, connecting with another person in a deep way, whether it be a momentary connection or a long term relationaship, i believe in integrity and being true to myself, as well as being true to others. but i usually feel separate and alone inside, "different" mostly due to severe PTSD resulting partly from being ill (sometimes mysteriously)and subjected to unneccessary surgeries and procedures for years. there was sexual abuse as a baby and probable munchausen by proxy. my beloved husband died from a rare, horrible form of cancer last year on new years eve. sick mother in another state. no other family. my 2 closest friends are in other states. husnd and i had been together 17 yrs, very close, total trust and openness, kind, affectionate relationship with much tenderness & respect for each other. not an "equal partner" relationship for many years, not sexual for 2 yrs. was much older than i. i have struggled with depression from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder since childhood. i am 55 and no one knew what was wrong with me until about 17 yrs ago. am intuitive yet logical, highly sensitive to others' emotions, dynamics, thoughts, and needs. extremely empathic, too much for my own good! deep love and interest in the true being within each of us, no interest in superficiality, always looking beneath, profoundly interested in knowing the inner person. intense, passionate, caring about everyone.
i am passionate about intimacy, authenticity, connecting with another person in a deep way, whether it be a momentary connection or a long term relationaship, i believe in integrity and being true to myself, as well as being true to others. but i usually feel separate and alone inside, "different" mostly due to severe PTSD resulting partly from being ill (sometimes mysteriously)and subjected to unneccessary surgeries and procedures for years. there was sexual abuse as a baby and probable munchausen
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Interests
what it means to be human, the "self", intellectual stimulation, learning (about things i'm interested in) the mind, consciousness, nature of reality, culture, society, philosophy, psychology, behavior; animals, dogs, animals, veterinary/human medicine; i am an artist, writer, poet. raise and love dogs.
what it means to be human, the "self", intellectual stimulation, learning (about things i'm interested
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Journal
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new death, new life
January 12, 2009 12:37am
an ironic occurance during toms last year was that i met a woman over the ph wanting to buy one of mmy dogs. i felt deep instant rapport. she didnt …
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new life/old strife
August 23, 2008 11:37am
many months have passed since tom died and thankfully was finally freed from suffering. i managed well afterwards by putting it all into another …
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Journal Entry for November 27, 2007
November 27, 2007 12:16am
tom is so sick today. cannot stop him from vomiting. he is a rack of bones and each heaving episode takes energy he doesnt have and he …
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Journal Entry for November 26, 2007
November 26, 2007 1:57am
toms pain is not being controled by morphin today. i am getting panicky.
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Hugbook
I’m With You
Thank you, this site and group really helped me a lot yesterday. Though it was tough and I had to burden my bf with the topic before sleep last night, today is a new day and I'm sure time heals. I'm glad to meet ppl here who understands the situation 'cos I don't want to burden my current bf with this. Many of my past relationships never worked well because of my issue. Take care... One day it will all be over...
Ray of Sunshine
mistakes were made to happen,,,,its why god put erasers on pencils. :)
pain sucks, i know, but 'this too shall pass'. i try to remember that. i was in therapy for yrs too. it help alot, then i put all of my issues that i dealt with in therapy into written 12 steps , not all at once, though. just a few issues at a time. and it made 100% difference.
ive been in aa for a long time. just made 24 years sober. :) so im familiar with the 12 step process. if youre not , get someone to walk you through it. emotions anonymous has a 12 step book. i talk with my support group, therapist , god, etc when i do the 12 steps. and when ever i need. i also take time , much time , just to myself to rejuvinate. i realized , the hard way , how much courage and strength i really had and have , to have gone through what i did. and what i do. and to be able to come out the other side.
an angel once told this to me , and i will tell it to you,,,
of course you still have pain! look what you have gone through!
i do things to make myself laugh, giggle, feel happy , feel excited, feel calm, etc. etc. OFTEN. and i rest, OFTEN. :)
and with the healing that i have gotten through all of the 12 steps ive done, i laugh a whole lot now.
mbp is very simular to battered wife syndrome, codependancy, co-addiction. because munchausen sydrome is basically an addiction to certain ideology, beliefs and behaviors. just like any other addiction. so that makes it much more 'dealable' in my book. '
and i am not a victim anymore , i am a survivor. even though i have more growing. and even though my family hasnt recovered. I AM.-
High Five
glad to be here susan.
my mom and two of my sisters have it. not diagnosed though. i stumbled across mbp yrs ago. its such a subtle foe. i have worked very hard to heal every issue i have, including this. its hard sometimes to stand up as a strong, healthy adult,,,instead of a ' sick ' and 'mentally ill' child. even at 43 yrs old. but im doing great and making great progress! 
Hug
i stubbled across you with re. to a comment about panic attacks. How amasing you are to hav managed surviving all this crap in yur life. Much love and support xx
Hug
I would love to talk sometime..whenever works for you. I totally understand what your saying. ((((HUGS))))
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Close Head and Neck cancers
Type: Otherlong story spans 7 yrs. husband had chronic serious ear problems (and prostate cancer in remission). ear problems grossly mishandled, misdiagnosed. drs refusal for 2 years to do needed ear surgery led to cancer diagnosis in june. 4 surgeries total, cancer returned immediately after each. now inoperable & terminal. under hospice care, may die anytime in next couple months. caretaker for 5 yrs with his chronic ear pain. my needs have almost no place in my life anymore.
Treatments
- Surgery Not Working
- nothing helped. drs. were incompetent, it has been terrible. very rare cancer partly reason no one realized. but so badly mishandled..the drs have basically killed him...
Close Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
lifetime of PTSD from age 3. causes: sadistic medical abuse, dissociative parent, surgeries, munchausen by proxy, sexual obsessions/deviancy. my symptoms: dissociation, agonizing grief, torment and despair, longing, emptiness, no meaning, horror, terror, self disgust, eating disorder, obsessions with death and sex, ghastly nightmares, tormented thoughts, flashbacks, shyness, inability to work or go to school or sustain routine. have managed to function/be highly competent in other areas.
Treatments
- Art Working / Worked
- have stayed alive as well as gained great insight and relief thru expressing what is otherwise unexpressable in my art and poetry since i was very young.
- Effexor Working / Worked
- has helped keep me alive. when suicidal or in unbearable anguish, one dose would work quickly within an hr. i did not take it regularly, made me sick with nasea and migraines. took it when prozac stopped working for me.
- Guided Imagery Working / Worked
- imagining positive empowering outcomes/scenarios. helped alittle. i felt like a failure because it didnt help much.
- Inderal Not Working
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- both did me harm and helped. it was the failure of the therapists to diagnose me correctly and their mishandling me due to their own problems..(admitted to me by more than one). retraumatized me by hostileauthoritarian/patronizing tendencies toward me in several cases. when people werent harmful, it was helpful!
- Reading Working / Worked
- turning point in my life came with reading judith herman's "trauma and recovery". first time i found something that sounded like me..that my problems fit into that picture..before that read all kinds of self help/ psychology/behavior books. some helpful, some harmful because i thought the things in the book "should" work and if it didnt it was my fault, i wasnt doing it right, maybe didnt want to change etc.
- Seroquel Working / Worked
- helped lessen severity of nightmares
- Talking Working / Worked
- couldnt have survived without talking to someone about all my daily tribulations, hotline, counselor, therapist!
Open Bereavement
Type: Loss of a Partner/Spousemy husband is dying of cancer. he is home with hospice help. his cancer is on the side of his face and neck and is getting more disfiguring and grotesque each day...he was mistreated in both senses of the word by VA drs ignoring what i knew was true, not listening to me, trivializing and minimizing his problem as only a chronic ear infection..so many mistakes at pivotal moments when his life could have been saved. now to face this horrible death after years of untreated pain. could die anytime.
Treatments
- Crying Too Soon to Tell
- nothing is making me feel any better..i just express what i must when it erupts..usually in tears...
- Getting Angry Too Soon to Tell
- Grief Counseling Too Soon to Tell
- Helping Others Working / Worked
- always works at least a little..
- Keeping Busy Somewhat Helpful
- its not a choice..
- Pets Working / Worked
- my animals always are something i can count on helping at least to not kill myself..
- Poetry Working / Worked
- expressing is vital..sometimes i cant express the emotion or concept directly but i can put it on paper in art or poetry..
- Prayer Too Soon to Tell
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- necessary to keep living
- Support from Friends & Family Somewhat Helpful
- it would be most help of all if i had someone here with me now and then but i dont. phone calls just dont do it..better than nothing tho..
- Talking Working / Worked
- necessary!
Open Euthanasia
my husband is dying of neck/head/ear cancer. he is at home under hospice care. he wants to be absolutely certain he wont suffer any more..he has suffered for years now and 4 recent surgeries within 4 months. he wants to be able to die when he feels it is too horrible to continue.. before the pain is intolerable.
