KuromiAi's Journal

Yesturday evening, I was feeling really down and I was also in deep thought, so I decided to write what I was feeling down. I started with simple words and then wrote more about my feelings that went along with those words:

Escape.

 It’s something I’ve always needed. For a long time I’ve felt like I just needed to run and before, I wasn’t sure what it was that I needed to run away from. It was just this overwhelming fear that I was being chased by something bigger than I was. Something I couldn’t control and something that could rip my entire life, as I knew it, apart. That sort of devastation never came, thankfully. Rather, change.

 I’ve always been able to escape from the lows in life by sleep and recently I’ve discovered that I can also escape with reading. In the last year I’ve found myself reading anything and everything that I could get my hands on. I read manuals of every kind, medical books, dictionaries, encyclopedias, fiction, and non-fiction, so on and so fourth. And as I lose myself in these books, I learn new things. I’ve found new interest in various reptiles, chemical elements, technology, and mentalism. When I read, I feel better. I feel like I’m breathing again. It is my drug.

Love.

 Something I simply cannot get enough of and possibly another addiction of mine. It doesn’t matter how much it is said to me or shown, the lot will never suffice. I’m always looking for more and sometimes in the wrong places. Even then, the smallest acceptance that I could get out of anyone, I will take. I have a terrible fear of rejection. My fear of being hurt often causes me to hurt others unintentionally. I come off as fickle and maybe a bitch even, but what I am is misunderstood. I am so because I do not let people know my fear right away.

 I know also, that I’m still very young. Many people will flow in and out of my life as I go. Hopefully one of them will help me to change my thoughts and save me from myself.

Hated.

 In high school, I didn’t have many good friends. Most of the people I considered to be friends either drifted away from me for one reason or another or backstabbed me in some way. I was constantly teased and threatened. Torment it was. For a while I wanted to drop out and get a GED, but neither my mother nor my stepfather would let me do that. I was in and out of several different schools along with mental health facilities. Finally I settled on the idea of completing high school through an online learning program. I graduated finally in 2007.

Different.

 I have many talents and/or gifts, and some of them are quite unusual, people would probably say. I’m still coming to terms with them however, and I don’t often wish to talk about these talents with people I do not fully trust. And trust is something that doesn’t come easy with me.

Hurt.

Occasionally I hurt myself. Normally when I find myself in an uncontrollable situation or when I’d rather not cry or scream. I’ve never cried or screamed while hurting myself.

Mom.

 She drinks just about everyday and when she does, she isn’t herself. She sometimes will say hurtful things or frustrate me. When she is drunk, she isn’t someone I want to be around. I fear she has an addiction and I worry about her all the time. I love her.

Dad.

 He’s my friend and my mentor. He’s always been there for me. I love him.

Sister.

 She’s a friend, an enemy, and a rock.

Anger.

 I’m easily frustrated or even annoyed, but I’m not so easily angered. However, sometimes I happen to turn sadness into anger and when I do that, it’s a dangerous situation.
Tears.

 I’m a very sensitive individual. Anything said to me can often be taken to heart hard and quick. I’m not always so good at covering up sadness, which is why at times I rather turn it to anger. I think sadness shows weakness. Unless I have a trusted shoulder to lean on, you’re not going to see me cry.