I don't know what is going …
I don't know what is going to happen. We're moving, so life will change, but where will I go?
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Electrochique 
7:34pm, October 22, 2009
okay sorry for journalling again, twice in one day is bad, not that anyone really reads this shit. I just feel so fat and ugly right now, I can't deal with it. It would be alright if something had happened to make me feel this way, butbi just can't deal with such intense feelings of disgust at myself just for looking in the mirror. How do you solve a problem that has absolutely no obvious cause. It's probably to do with feeling rejected (see earlier journal) but I can't change that. I can't make people want me. I wish I could it would make life so much easier. I hate relationships. They are just so out of my control, you can't control a situation when there is another person involved. Why cant I just be who I want to be? Is it so much to ask to actually like myself? Apparently so. I don't even have anyone to pose these questions to. I wish i could believe in god. Then I would know that atleast someone could love me unconditionally. Someone to ask questions to, someone that might be able to show me some answers. I want a hug. I want to hug my dad but he doesn't love us. Why doesn't he love us either. I need a new father.
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why don't you belive in GOD? he love you unconditioally. since i got agorphobia, almost 6 years ago, i have gained 40 lbs. i use to be thin, now i'm not. i wish i could lose this weight, but from staying in, i just keep getting heavier. i don't even get weighed in the doctors office. i say i am over weight, i don't want to know how much more.
you can be who you want to be, just be yourself. maybe you should talk with someone who knows the answers. i pray you feel better, and i know about fathers, mine was a evil, mean, vile, disgusting drunk. i hated him all my life and still do. he is dead now and i am glad. he is the reason i am the way i am today. i'm not saying your dad is bad, but my father didn't now how to show love, but he did know how to beat my MOM and SISTERS, & ME on a daily basis. i hope things get better for you. i really do.
ronna