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Electrochique 
7:34pm, October 22, 2009
i think my depression is back :(
i've just felt so down all day today, and it just doesnt feel like i could be fine again tomorrow. i dont want to be ill again. i dont want to want to die anymore, i want to carry on enjoying my life. im just starting to let people in, and put myself out there and i've been accepted, its like im being dragged back in to my shell by this invisible force. i dont want to be like that anymore
im so fed up of it, just one day in this state and i want to cut so badly. i dont understand it. i know thise isnt something i can control, or i wouldnt make myself feel like this, right?
i had parents evening today, a whole evening of my teachers telling my parents that i have confidence problems etc. but of course i do, not everyone is confident, thats just who i am, why cant people understand that? its my personality, why do they want me to change?
i think i might be going crazy, probably something to do with this depressive episode, lack of sleep, school stress etc. im thinking things that are just weird. but they seem to make so much sense to me right now.
i hate my parents. i think my mum has gone crazy. shes acting weird. i never really noticed it until now. i hate the way she talks to people. it make sme embarrassed, and upset, i cant stand how she makes me feel like such a fool.
i wont be made a fool of anymore.
thats it.
cba to write much. My mum is having one of her crazy times. Not good crazy. I think I put on weight I don't want to weigh myself but I know I will tomorrow, I can't stop myself LOL. I hope it's 1 or 2lbs at most. Prefer to have lost but Ive got bad water retention because of my period. Starting tomorrow no breakfast again. That's easy. No lunch. Easy too. No snacks. Not so easy. I'm alright with eating dinner, I don't eat like half of it most the time though. It's okay. I'm so tired. School tomorrow. I haven't done my english essay, it's already 2 weeks late, he's going to kill me. I don't want to make excuses anymore, I want to just be able to write the essay and get it out the way, and not worry about it but I can't. I'm so bored of myself.
I am so mad at myself. I do so well all day just to ruin it in the evening. I wanted to lose 5lbs at least by halloween so I looked nice in my outfit, but I'm the same weight still, plus I'm bloated from my period. Being female sucks LOL. I'm fed up of all this FAT EVERYWHERE. Why am I so huge. I just want to e tiny. I don't want boobs, or a bum, I hate them. I want to be thin, 24" waist would be nice, I want to lose like 4" from my hips, same from my bust, same from my waist, I'm 36-28-35 and to me that is huge. I'm so angry at myself. Why do I look like an elephant. I'm tired of people saying I could be a model, it's the 'could be' that gets me. It's like they ate saying 'you could be a model if you lost half your body weight. Right now I'm like 154 lbs, and I'm just about 5ft11" I'm so tired if being this weight. I've been here for ages. My overall goal over the next 2 months is to get down to 135, but I don't think that I will be able to do it because I can't jog atm because it's too cold. I'll have to try.
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for your height, i don't think your over weight. i always weighed about 120lbs. and that was fine for me, size medium top, size 7 jeans. but over the past 6 years, when i got agophobia, and stay in all the time, i started gaining weight. i use to ride my bike, or walk everywhere. always active. now i have been putting on the pounds and i hate it. i bet you look good, us women are our own worst enemy. put a jacket on and walk in your basement, if you have one. walk for about a half an hour, put on music. i want to get a tread mill, but can't afford it at this time. i gained weigh all over, even my boobs are over weight. i know if i just could walk, i burn it right off. i asked a few ppl if they want to walk with me, but know one really wants too. if i could add 3 inches to my height, i'd be fine, but we can't add inches. i wish i was 36-28-35. but if your not comforable with that, i wish you luck, losing some weight. p.s., i bet you look great. xo, ronna
ronna