blue22's Journal

My world feels insane right now- so busy.  It is SO hard trying to manage a busy life while balancing living with chronic pain (and all the physical challenges it causes me).  I struggle so much.  Sometimes I get mad- it just seems so unfair.  I lived for 19 years withouth chronic pain (a huge blessing),  but now I've lived over 9.5 years in chronic, intense, daily, constant pain- no relief of pain in all of this time.  I actually believe in my heart of hearts that I will never ever get relief on this earth (until I get to Heaven). Perhaps not the best attitude (people always say that you should never ever give up), but for me, it is a coping mechanism, as after all this time I physically cannot coe with constantly getting my hopes up for ever feeling better, and then always having them dashed when they don't work.  Still, wouldn't it be nice if one day I could have pain relief?  Trust me, it's tough living with chronic pain. 

Life is so insanely busy for me right now.    We had our first adoption meeting today, and it actually went really well, although about 45 min before the meeting I had an almost panic attack and cried my eyes out and shook for 5 min- I was just sooo sooo soo scared.   Then, we nearly got into an accident on the way to the meeting, but thank God, we didn't!!  What a crazy morning.

This adoption means so much to me- the world, really- and I will be devastated if we fail, particularly if we fail because of my health.  My  pain has robbed me of so much in life- will it rob me of having a child, even?  That would devastate me, send me spiriling down into a deep, dark place where it would take mke a long time to emerege from.  But, let's think positively, shall we- I am cautiously optimistic that all will go well and that one day (hopefully soon), we will hold a little (or sort of big!) girl in our arms and hearts and will love her!  At today's meeting  We didn't even talk about my health at all, although I'm sure that will come up in future meetings.  I hope that they can look past my chronic pain and disability and still decide to approve us to adopt.  I'm really scared that they won't, but all you can do is try, right?  Isn't it better to try and possibly fail than to not try and for sure fail?  

I'm also really really really busy with school  (I'm studying online).  It's actually going really well- especially since I qualified for specialized disability supports that help me be able to study despite my disabilty.  (Like putting all my books on cds since I can't hold them, etc).   I'm also doing some freelance writing and writing a monthly health column, which is fun.  It's ironic, because I am one of the unhealthiest people I know (because of my pain and the limitations that it puts on my health and physical activity level- for eg, I can rarely lift 5 lbs), and here I am giving health advice to other healthy people.  Ha ha.  I keep thinking I should call the column "The Hypocrite" but that wouldn't go over very well, I don't suppose, now would it?  Oh well, I hate living with this medical condition, but I don't have a choice with that.  What I do have a choice in is making the best of an excruciatingly difficult and tough situation, and living the best life that I can despite this big elephant that steals so much from me (Myofascial syndrome).

Sorry for rambling.  I don't think anyone reads my journals any more- so if you do, thank you!

JC

P.S.  I'm really really happy that the weather is so balmy now, even for Edmonton standards!  I love spring time.