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pgreen 
5:32pm Thursday
I encountered an old part of me this week. The stress of my life encompasses me evreyday with so much to do, so many hurdles to jump and emotions that I feel from the uniqueness that my retirement ( fear, sadness, anxiety and even some relief from other's disappointments) is bringing. So, the overeater disease kicked me in the ass this week. My supervisor was selling Girl Scout cookies and I decided as a going away treat to myself and buy 2 boxes.
Well, in the course of 2 days I knocked off both boxes. Talk about feeling buzzed. I know I ate to relieve some stress and the mint cookies really can be addictive. After polishing off the first box in one day the next day my terminal amnesia surfaced and I deluded myself into the second box.
I don't want to ever go back there. The disease is cunning, baffelying and POWERFUL. I must always remember that and know I am one bite away from return trip into madness.
I am somewhat ashamed of myself. I want to share this with my DS family and forgive myself. There is so much disappointments and painful memories, I am having to deal with. Eventhough, there is so much blessing and things I need to celebrate, I chose to sabotague my success. Insanity we knew, never goes away, only hids like a bacteria dormant inside our psyches just waiting for their chance to come back with a vengence! I make amend to myself and turn this all back over to my HIGHER POWER I know that disappoitments from others is a BIG BUTTON. I guess there is some part of me that wants to be recognized and cared for by people I know and knew. Even my grown children don't seem to be able to reach out. That does hurt ! They are independent and content in their lives. Perhaps I was taught by and lived with different generational standards.
I give this away and share this with you my friends and family of choice. Thanks you for your support and encouragements. I guess that it is so true that" doctors can be the worse patients".
God bless you and together WE CAN DO that which we are unable to do alone. I am so tired of being alone!
Phil
O, perhaps one other trigger. I had to attend a wedding of a dear friends child. Many years ago when he was getting divorced he and his children hid out with me. We had remained friend over many years so I had no excuse out of going to the vwedding. Ever since my wife died, I HATE weddings and always try not to go because they bring me to such painful feelings and reminders of the hole in my soul. I stayed about an hour, not even for the meal , just the ceremony and some required " hi how are you, blah ,blah,blah" . This may of been the trigger that combined with everything else pushed me into throes of compulsive eating the cookies. HUMMMM, good point Phil ! I am better now and abstinent again.
Comments
Ok my dear brother,replace those negative thoughts with thoughts of those who dearly love you,care about you.Make sure,you treat yourself with a fresh bowl of fruit,grapes,apples and oranges,some strawberries and banana,if you keep this on your table you wont be tempted to over indulge with cookies,or if youre not always home,keep it in the top of the fridge,make a smiley face on an orange,its me smiling at you with that reminder>>Namaste>>Sis
shamanwolf
God bless you Phil, and forgive yourself. (I love those cookies) The emotional rollercoaster can be a horror! I'm so glad to be part of your DS family of choice. And remember, your never alone! love, light, laughter xxxooo
dkay
Hi Phil, it's me, your sister in this wonderful family we have chosen.
Forgive yourself..and thanks for reminding me about that:) I love those cookies too, and the reason I do things I don't want to do is usually because I feel empty inside.
light, peace, joy xxx
moonstar
Hi Phil..don't be so hard on yourself..it's just called being 'human'! We all fall down, and those demons inside don't give up without a fight. Life is so hard at times, and all those past hurts and disappointments can grip us and cloud our present life. If you can see your move as a time to finally leave behind these painful things ..it might be the perfect time to do some 'letting go' visualisations...possibly a measure of forgiveness too. As for our children..perhaps they don't realise how you feel...perhaps you brought them up to be independent..and that's just what they are doing now...Kids never cease to amaze us with their often strange ways at looking at life..but I'm sure they love us just the same! Have you tried reaching out to them?
There is no rule book for life Phil..and we learn by stumbling along, and sometimes falling down. With help we get up and do it again, and learn the valuable lessons. I'm sure when you move,and settle into your new environment..things will fall into place, and you can really be yourself again, be at peqace, and enjoy life in lovely surroundings...Take heart..it will all be OK...Love,Your friend and Big Sis, Diana.
twilightmoon
Eating a couple of boxes of girl scout cookies is really not that bad (except that I hate them, they are such low quality), if you are going to actually "treat" yourself, it is ok, you have a lot to celebrate and a couple of boxes of cookies, if that is how you choose to celebrate is fine, dont be so hard on yourself, my goodness, it is not like you ate three pints of Ben & Jerry's Karmal Sutra ice cream!! for heavens sakes... you know that you may be a bit too hard on yourself.. ask yourself these questions... 1, was it worth it? 2, would you do it again if you had to do over and 3 is it something you are likely to do again in the next year? now... see, even if you feel it was not worth it, you have gone from being a bad eater to a super eater and one must have a treat, especially when that someone has been so good to others. I bet they wont even have girl scouts where you are going...or Ben and Jerry's.. smile,,, you are just fine... call me... I miss you
Paindora
I love you all and thank you for caring enough to share with me some "food for thought" Hell, they sure taste better and are made with love as opposed to some sugar coated , high carbed ersatzed temporary medication that I used to self medicate myself with. Thank you all and I humbled myself with such honesty. That says alot about how much I trust you all. Together we can do what we cannot or are unable to do alone.
Your brother along the journey.
Just me....
pgreen
Phil, There will always be times when we are weak and that's OK. As long as we recognize it and get back on the horse we will be fine in the end. It feels good to get angry and/or get sad and cry a river once in a while. We have to. We have to get it out and let it go. Only then can we move on and get stronger. It will all be alright and soon you'll be back in control again. :)
Robinsolo