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pgreen 
5:27pm Tuesday
As I write this I am reflecting about 2 events. Tonite ( 15 years apart) I lost two portions of my soul. My father 1996 and my dear wife 1981 , both left this physical plane. Eventhough, I have perservered it hasn't been easy. My wife was my first love and we had 6 great years of fun and soul sharing each moment we were together. Like two peas in a pod. Never had much money then but we loved every second. WHen she died a part of me died too. IN truth it has only been in the last 18 months that I have started the journey to healing. Whatever that means.... My unconscious compartmentaized the pain and suffering that I felt to allow me to be a singleparent and proceed to parent our three children. I never had the opportunity to mourn properly her / my loss.
My father, who was very unshowing of emition and had very high unrealistic expectation terriorized me as a child with un expected outburst of anger and fury. I survived being hyper vigealent. Nowadays, they have child abuse laws to help protect the victums from the behavior of unfair parental practices. As an adult I made amends to his memory ( that I still carry) believing that he did the best he could do. It had been my focus as an educated adult to make sure transgeneration abuse would never happen. I did spend many years in the unconscious effort to please him and make him acknowledge me. For that goal I never accomplished it. I had learned that only to myself must I make the best efforts possible and accpets that as my limitations. To this goal I have acomplished.
Yes, tonite I am sad at their being gone from my circle of nourishment. But, I live with the appreciation that they did share with me daily for the time I was blessed to have them with me. My goal is to keep them alive in the love that gave and shared withme. They are not forgotten as they live on thru my actions and sharing their essence in my speech, thoughts and actions. This is th etrue pathway to healing and carrying the memories forwards into eternity.
To have a DS family to share these word with I humbly thank my Higher Power in allowing me this opportunity. May they continue resting in Peace...
Comments
Once upon a New Year's Eve, I cried and cried. It was the year my brother died. My husband asked me why I was crying and I told him I felt like I was leaving him behing. Then my husband stunned me by saying "you arent leaving him behind. He is way ahead of us.' I hope this brings a little solice for you, Hugz, BarbRN
BarbRN
I love the way you memorialize their memories yet I'm sad for your loss. I'm sure they would want for you continue your spiritual path and I'm sure they're smiling down on you. XO
Gabrador
You are an amazing gentleman,i salute you.I know the path of death all too well.The memories are our outlet,our hope,faith and also wisdom,of our own futures.We must sing for their spiritual journeys,no matter how things might have been on this earthly plane.The reasons some hurt us is never going to be really clear,what we can do is let it go,and forgive,otherwise we will never be at peace with ourselves.You will never find another love,as you had,however you must also let this go,and someday love again.We dont forget,we have to complete our lifecycles by new adventuring>>Peace be unto your heart,mind and spirit+soul my sweet friend...Namaste Shamanwolf
shamanwolf
You are very wise and have a healthy way of looking at life. I am sure you will have many new happy memories ahead. Sometimes old memories can make me sad too, but there is so much life ahead and it's feels better to have hope that it has something special and good for each of us. I hope you can always feel the love that was once a part of your life.
Robinsolo
Yo!!!! p??? you need to forgive. Forgive your wife for leaving you w/a burden,she dint want to. Forgive your dad. Thats tough & I only recently forgave mine for not living up to my/societies concept of good (he was a self righteous , wife beating asshole & i nev did not assure him of that. now i dont bother as i'm happy he is alive. Finally; forgive yourself. YES U!!! forgive urself 'cause u beat urself up over&over 'cause you thought u coulda been better BULL!!! it aint & it nev was ur fault. Plz think about this comment before/if u wanna reply
God Bledd
chipchip
I'm speechless... All I can think of saying is that over the last several days I've learned a really important life lesson - things happen and one has to cope with each one as they arrive and then with a healthy time limit let go and move forward.
I had held on to each and every bad moment in my life for far too long. My past was always creeping into my present day life, a little bit here, a little bit there and all it did was make each day 100 x's worse.
I was emotionally abused by my father and by the age of 26 I had zero contact with him to save myself. When I turned 40 we reconnected and I forgave him for EVERYTHING he did to me. We worked on our relationship until he died 13 months ago. I had 9 very good years with him.. he was finally a dad :)
Anyway.. I think you've come full circle - having a life with much fulfillment and joy. I applaud you for your candor and your wisdom!
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Monica xo
p.s. You are doing very VERY well my friend! xo
Monica58
I think I understand what you are feeling. I did what you did the other way round..I let grief after my Dad's death overwhelm me..I didn't know how to compartmentalise..it brought up so much stuff about my childhood, and my strict Catholic upbringing, and schooling especially which still haunts me ..seven years later I had a complete breakdown.However I am a different person because of it..and I don't regret it on a spiritual level.
I try to understand what it must be to lose a life partner...one of my best friends has been through this devastating loss, and I can see clearly the pain and suffering that lasts and lingers. Each of us must find our own path to healing,..I have spent the last 16 plus years reading as much as I can about spiritual issues, and trying to find the 'secret' of Forgiveness. I think I am getting there....you will too I'm sure. There is a time to move on..to treasure what has been, keep it safe, and be happy, and possibly love again.. if this is right for you...it may not be what you want..As for your Father, it may be healing for you to understand a little more about his life, and if there was a reason why he became the person he did. It will assist in the healing. I believe people are also in our lives for the lessons they can teach us. When we can get to the level of accepting this, and trusting the outcomes.. then we are truly on the path to healing. I must be honest and say I struggle with this particular issue...but my heart is willing..I'm sure yours is too. I like to think of the quotation "The journey is the thing"..for it is here, in our daily lives that we learn about all the above. There are many 'diamonds in the dung heap' to be found. We can also share and help each other..and I too am grateful for the friends who listen and offer their views and experiences. I wish you well on your continued path to healing. Diana.
twilightmoon
MR P., people can say that a person should greive for two years for a spouse, ten for a child, five for a parent, etc. What a bunch of hooey, we all must walk our own path of healing at our own pace. Life goes by so fast sometimes and especially with pain, it only seems like a month ago that my losses happened. You continue to heal at the rate you feel most comfortable. I cant seem to say what I really feel here as I may be numb from the medicines, you know that my admiration is intense. Your friend, Cynthia
Paindora
I sure understand what you are going through, Phil...I too have spent years blocking my most painful feelings. It says a lot about how much pain is there that you have waited this long to let it in. I believe your father and wife are happy to see you make this step. What you'll find is not that you're letting them go, but letting them close to you again. The only thing you actually let go of is the pain.
Cliffenstein