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pgreen 
5:27pm Tuesday
Many years ago, I thought of a clinical term I called " TERMINAL AMNESIA". We delude ourselves that when we confront our demons and addictive behavior ( mine was/is compulsive overeating for emotional pain and sufferings), and address them either thru therapy or self help methods once overcome they are forever vanquished. Well, last week was a "hello !, here's a reminder and a kick in your butt that we are just waiting/ always waiting for you to relapse and we can move back into your existence and make you miserable.
For the last week leading up to a party last nite, my eating and food have been a nightmare/day-mare for me. This morning I woke up and realize that I had been fooling myself and playing mindfuck with myself. I commit to myself and needed to give this away to my DS family my shame and desire to self forgive and go back into my deserved recovery.
Maybe I started getting anxious unconsciously , about my problems with my quasi-wife upcoming divorce battle and the forthcoming fear of hurting her. Maybe there was some anxiety towards having to go back to the-states and the rage and anger I feel how she abused, manipulated myself and my children and confront the lies she circulated about me.
Regardless of all the possible stimulus for my behavior, I want to stop now and here and get back into abstinence and sanity. I have learned to allow myself to " be ok"in whom I am and the knowledge of my successes and accomplishments regardless of the delusion that I need others to endorse them. I am my own best friend or worse enemy. I deserve happiness and the ability to be me unconditionally. I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO WHERE I CAME FROM. IF IT IS TO BE THAN IT LIES UPON ME TO MAKE THE PROPER CHOICES TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN !!!!!
I forgive myself for having bad moments during the last weeks eating and commit myself to
a new and renewed day at a time return to sanity and being proactive in my journey....
Phil
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Comments
Phil,
I can't begin to understand all the issues you are dealing with now, but I do know you are right about
our demons and addictive behavior being right there to hit us in a weak moment. Don't beat yourself up about it so much. Above all, we are human. You're back on the right track, so you have learned the triggers for your relapse. It sounds like you have some really strong ones. Hold on with both hands and don't let the demons/addictions take the upper hand. You are stronger than them.
Blessings,
Cathy
katznbearz
Remember Phil it is just one day at a time. We have all had relapses and that is what recovery is all about. Like Cathy says don't beat yourself up, but go on and be happy. Wally
wallyw44
Hello my dear brother.We all learn daily,we will Always be in the learning mode,take this day,be thankful--IN it,For it,savor It.Tomorrow,will NOT be like THIS day,or Yesterday for that matter.WE are in NO way perfect,another reason for that learning...beating that head into the wall will only cause something you really dont need>>>>Headaches>>GO Bless you for sharing>>MUAH
shamanwolf
AYE PHIL>>GOD bless
shamanwolf
Just because we stop doing something that is bad for us, begin a recovery, a healing, does not mean that we will be perfect. We will never be perfect, we need to have some wiggle room, a new reward system in place, a large support group, no stress ( ha!) What ever it was that you did, forgive yourself. IF you were perfect it would make us all look bad, we cant have that Phil. I hope to hear from you soon.
Paindora
Love you Phil. This is a great journal entry.
We have to love & forgive ourselves or else we'll keep resorting to destructive behaviors.
I was taught to hate myself as a child..so it's really hard. And I wonder WHY is it so hard to love ourselves?
But together we can do it!
Warm HUG~x~o
moonstar
Thanks everyone for your valued remarks. Sometimes, I remind myself ( whom I affectionately call Einstein) knowing information and not using it, is no different in reality than not knowing . That's why I refer to this as " amnnesia" and we always will have it within ourselves, especially the wounded and addictive personalities.
Love you all and thank you.....
pgreen
Hi Phil...being kind and forgiving to yourself is one of the best and most noble things you can do. Self blame, guilt and punishment are the worst things you can do to yourself, and in my, and many others opinions now, can lead to serious ill health. We are frail human beings who wander from our true path from time to time, but it is getting back on it that counts and heals. Well done for realising this....Love and caring wishes sent to you tonight. Love, Diana.x 'All healing is leting go, and all letting go is healing' xx
twilightmoon
Seems like you are working through all of this and doing a great job of it! When I feed my face to calm a fear, it only makes me feel out of control and sick. We all slip up now and then, but it's great when we overcome it all and realize that we actually do have it together and aren't really different from everyone else.
Robinsolo
When I used to hang around with 12 step people, I heard this comment.
No matter how hard or how far you slip backwards, rest assured, you can never, ever go back to the place that used to be where we came from.
After learning and starting our recovery work, that knowledge stays with us forever.
Once you are aware of something, you can never " not " know it again.
Your journals are intensely passionate and very interesting.
GoodGod