difficultdarling's Journal

It's supposed to be a get away," he reminded me as I slowly limped down the stairs.  "Have fun and just be yourself," he says as he grabs my hand to help me out of the car after our drive.

We are met with hugs and smiles, but after awhile (less than 24 hours) I wanted to come back early with my quote unquote husband, because he had a football game to call on the radio.  But I stayed.  My body racked with breathtaking physical pain, and my soul wrung out, I stayed to spend some time with my lovely God Daughters.... I thought I can hurt at home just the same.

BUT after they left, I was alone with my parents - those three hours was all it took to doubt every decision I ever made.

My father spoke of how he told my ex husband that he didn't "blame" him for our divorce.  When he should have just simply said NOTHING to that man at all.  He said he didn't want to "side" with anyone, so how could he say that to me after all this time?  Without knowing the things that I went through while in that marriage - only the hints I dropped that should have been enough - as it was I was lucky to get out of that one with my soul in tact.

I've been with M for nearly SEVEN YEARS now, who you both say that you have accepted as part of our family, but yet you STILL talk about my divorce.  But, when I talk about it for whatever reason, you tell me that you don't want to hear it.  So, which is it?  And if you don't care or don't want to hear about it then QUIT BRINGING IT UP!

Why do they want me there anyway if all they do is verbally abuse me and make me feel like some sort of bizarre punching bag?  My body aches so bad and my mind hurts.  Did it ever occur to either of them just to hug me and tell me they love me?  Why am I such a disappointment?

Nothing I did was right.  Taking a small portion to clean my plate, I was still criticized for not eating enough.  Please. I'm almost 40, I'm old enough to know better.  But the zingers that they send are unforgivable.  My mother saying to me that she has not had her life go as she planned either and then continues to talk about how she will never have grandchildren, as if having the hysterectomy was something that I DID TO HER.  Please.  Please.  Please.

You couldn't have kids, you CHOSE to adopt me.  And now that I haven't met with each and every unattainable and wildly unrealistic goals you set for me, I'm just written off in your eyes.  Why do you say those things to me?  Why do you want me around your friends if appearances are so important to you?  Why can't you just love me for ME?  Please?  Please.

As I sat there that last hour and looked at your perfect house, your perfectly decorated Christmas tree, I realized that you are simply unable to allow yourselves to feel.  You talk about people behind their backs and hide behind the bible, excusing your behavior as if it is OK to judge others because everyone else does it too.  Well, thank goodness, I am smart enough to recognize that you talk out both sides of your mouth and that no matter what I do or how much money I have, I will still NOT be good enough.  That is YOUR failing, not mine.  I have to follow through because it is easier said than done, while your approval and opinions are important to me, I don't need it and I don't agree with most of your beliefs.  You think everyone one else should think like you and that if they don't they must be bad.

Well, I AM bad.  I am a sinner and I will never hide behind the facade of a church that supports your misguided efforts to be what it is that you think you have to be.  It is all about appearances and I am worn out from it all, I just don't care, because you never asked me not even once how I was.  NOT ONCE. 

Laughter here - because when one of your friends asked me how I had been doing, I told him that I had been struggling and was in a great deal of pain, and he clapped me hard on the back and said, "GREAT!"

You all telling me that I am just lazy and need to get out more or better yet just "push through the pain" appalls me.  Have you ever even bothered to research what I have?  If I complain, I complain too much, if I am quiet, you worry, which is it?  What do you WANT from me?  Damnit, it just pisses me off that you are so obtuse.  It drives me nuts that each and every decision I've EVER made (even when younger) are things that you just harp and harp and harp on because I just didn't do it the RIGHT WAY.  You very rarely told me that you were proud of me when the comment didn't include a barb. 

In all honesty, I know that I am supposed to just let this stuff roll off, but if I did that it would mean shutting you out completely.  I already hide so much from you as it is and I am sickened with worry everyday about my life.... to have you demand that I could have done better and that I should have planned ahead.  WHO THE HELL PLANS FOR THIS?  Tell me.  WHO?  I beg you to just have some consistency.  Your hot cold attitudes that constanstly cancel each other out are baffeling.  Treating a child like that is unforgiveable and continuing to assert yourselves that way with me as an adult is completely unacceptable.

I love you too much to shut you out, but you have to STOP treating me as if everything is my fault and that I have no right whatsoever to complain.  I am doing the best I can with what I have and that should be good enough for you because as it is, I struggle each and everyday for the ME that I am to be GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.  Just please have a little empathy.  Please.

I will never be able to meet with your expectation of who you think I should be because the bar is too high for me to reach. 

This is just verbal vomit, no one needs to really UNDERSTAND this, I just had to regurgitate and get it OUT OF ME.  The toxicity of these "visits" is mentally and emotionally overwhelming.  I pray everyday that my faith becomes stronger.  My mind is willing while my body is failing.  So, I ask the Higher Powers and the Cheese God what is my purpose?  I feel so useless and tired that sometimes I really do wonder if I just missed it when my purpose was revealed to me.

M keeps trying to convice me I make others feel better.  Sometimes I need the same thing from my friends.  It seems like the number of friends I have is dwindling anyway.  The trend has been if I'm all happy and go-lucky, funny girl then people flock to me, but if I'm honest and authentic about how I really feel then people just run the other way.  As I've written before, it is OKAY if you don't know what to say, sometimes what is the MOST important thing is knowing you all are THERE.