Anju1's Journal

I've been lost traveling and just now I found home.  This has been my journey from fantasy to realization to denial to depression to grief to inspiration to knowledge to acceptance to epiphony.   

 Yesterday, I burned the abusive STBX's photos and threw the ashes into the toilet.  It is almost over.  My life has just begun. 

But, this journey was an extremely long of several years.  When I met Prince Charming, I thought I was head over heels.  He proposed;  I accepted.  The abuse started.  I had no idea.  Red flags everywhere.  I ignored those red flags thinking those are the stressors of planning a wedding.  His parents seemed a bit quirky.  I thought to myself, hmmm.... I don't mind since I've going to love this man so much.  We got married.  He made me cry infront of everyone on the day of the wedding itself, and later stated it was my fault.  Emotional abuse escalated.  I fought with him.  I don't know why I was fighting when I loved him so much.  So I apologized.  The apologies kept accumulating.  I kept compromising.  I kept crying.  To this day, he has never apologized for even making me cry.  Life became all about him, his arrogance, how everything I did was criticized by him because I did not know any better, and because I was immature, and didn't grow up.  He hurt me...and more...and more...  I became depressed.  He did not care.  Thus, it hurt me more that my husband did not care.  .....  I prayed....prayed more.  An inner voice told me to stand up for myself.  I did.  I gave him 2 choices....  He either apologizes and treat me with respect and dignity or I leave and refuse to come back until he does.  He did not respect me and banned me from coming to our home.    

I cried and cried.  I loved him but knew that if I did not stand up against the atrocities he has done against me, I could not survive.  I kept thinking how can I live without him.  I should go back.  I sacrificed everything, my career, my life.   He filed a divorce instead, placing charges on me.  He placed private investigators on my trail.   He tried to ruin my life even afterwards.  But, I still wanted to go back to him.  Because, I had committed my life to him when we got married.  Those were my beliefs and that is how I was raised.  He abused me more.  He abused my family.   I prayed more.  Deep inside, my late grandfather's voice spoke.  If a man loses money, nothing is lost;  if a man loses health, something is lost;  if a man loses is character, everything is lost.  I decided to stand up and fight against it.  I was not going to let an abusive man place false charges against me and let him get away.  I was not going to let an abusive spouse label me as the abuser.   I still cried.  He was still my husband.  I believed in commitment.  I did not see the future.  I could not fully comprehend that you cannot live with an abusive spouse and hope to live a normal life.  I did not even know it was abuse.  I was fighting 2 wars.  One was a moral one;  one was to save my marriage.  In reality, they were the same wars.  They symbolized for who I was, what I believed in.  

Time passed by....Seconds felt like years;  months felt like an eternity.

We met for the first time in court room.  He looked like his soul has been sucked out of him.  He abused my family.  He could not even face me.  He tried to avoid making any eye contact with me.  My mother cried and cried.  I hugged my mother very tightly and cried on her lap.  I told her "I've been betrayed."  It was time to let him go.  The realization came that the marriage I was so desperately trying to save was over. I consented to sign divorce papers.  

Few days later....

I went back to work.  My co-workers were looking at me.  They said, where have you been?  Did you go on vacation somewhere cause your face is glowing?   I then realized that I felt so much lighter when I've let go.  But, the pain was still there, like a fresh wound.  It was a pierced burn wound to what I believed in, to my faith, to my trust, to my instincts.  Everything I believed in had been shattered and I had to start all over to recreate myself, what I believed in, what to make of this new reality, to digest everything which had been happening.  Was this really abuse?  I read.  I learned.  I was shocked to hear.  Yes, it was.  

Then I realized that what I believe in has not changed at all.  It has only gotten stronger because an abuser challenged those beliefs.  I still do believe marriages are for lifetime, but when it's with Prince Charming, not the Villain in disguise of Prince Charming.  Everything I believe in has gotten stronger.  I've learned to deal with the pain.  But, to deal with the pain is an extremely gradual process and goes through various stages of healing.  Sometimes, you know, it still hurts and tears rolls down my cheek as I stare into the sky.  I am a free woman.  The sky is the limit.  Time is a healer of all wounds.   I am finally home.