Anju1's Journal

It's been a long time since I've written in the journal.  Almost 6 months have passed by since the last entry, and it's been almost an year since he filed. 

I've gone through so many emotional upheavals, roller coaster rides, and changes.  I think I've come out a stronger person.  I used to think why God is doing this to me and why when I pray harder does He not listen to me.  I had so many questions.  That was 10 months ago.  Ten months later, I am thanking God today for saving me and giving me a new life.  God has saved me from what would have been a life without any soul, a life of torture, a life of surrender and compromise only on my part, a life of hurdles, and a life of unhappiness.  The man I once loved destroyed me, my family, my beliefs, my core, everything I believed in.  Yet, I continued to love him because I believed in married because he was my husband.  It took me a long time to realize that the man I loved did not love me, because a man who loves you does not black mail and emotionally abuse you, torture you.  Anyone who saw me and didn't even know who I was could tell from a distance that something was wrong.  It was very clear that a girl who was completely care-free, loved everyone, and loved life was very unhappy and not laughing.  Anyone could guess something was wrong.  A man who stole my laughter could never be my husband.  A man who looted everything from me and my family could never love me.  A man who continues to cause me torture and pain could never be my husband.  

I thank God for giving me strength to fight the injustice and the torture this one man gave me.  I lost many things which I will never get back because he looted me and my family of everything we ever had.  But, in the end, God saved my life from this devil.  Ten months ago, I used to pray hard so much to God for showing me a miracle to make this marriage work, but everytime my prayers would coincide with that man torturing me more.  I did not understand.  I did everything to save the marriage.  I read books.  I talked to people.  I talked to God.  I talked to his family for help.  I was drowning and no one was there to help me swim.  Now, ten months later, I now understand.  I know how to swim.  Infact, everyone around my husband is beginning to see his true colors.  Even his own laywer recognizes it, but can't express because that's his own client.  My husband continues to hurt me, frustrate me, because he continues to make unreasonable demans.  He has backed down on the agreement millions of time.  He has treated my parents like dirt when we met the first time in the lawyer's office when all my parents wanted to do was say hello to him.  I cried and cried that day on my mother's lap and kept reciting to her that I've been betrayed and deceived.  He betrayed me.  It was the final catharsis before I turned around completely 360 degrees and decided enough was enough.  He was not the right person for me.  He had tortured me right and left, inside and out, and I had put up with it.  Why?  Because I belived in marriage which never was, because my husband actually never existed.  He had entered my life with a purpose to destroy all happiness, not to marry me.  He entered my life like a hurricane, and left me with the aftermath.   But like any disaster, there is a recovery time and time heals all wounds. 

I'm still marrried to this guy, legally.  I can't wait for the final judgement.  For all purposes, I'm single and unmarried.  He never treated me like his wife and never respected me either.  It was all about him.  He called me names.  He insulted me.  He insulted my family.  He continues to insult me and my family.  He has no shame, no value for relationships whatsoever, no sound judgment, no sympathy, no empathy, but has a huge ego and a greed for money.  I cannot believe I introduced him into my family.   

What next?  I'm waiting for the final judgement.  I'm waiting to get my stuff back.  I'm trying to pick up my life where it left off.  I'm much stronger person than I was before.  I'm very sensitive to criticism though because I got low self-esteem from abuse I endured.  I'm working on it.  I love my family.  I love being around my family.  I am starting a new life, with a new career, with a goal to give back to my family what they lost during this time.  My parents lost their life savings on throwing their only daughter a grandiose wedding because they were so happy.  He did not even care or respect my family.  

I know that if I do meet someone in the future, I will be very careful.  It will be hard to trust.  But, I must always remember to marry someone who loves me and not someone whom I love.  It's a cliche, but there is some sense in it.  I also know that if I meet that someone special, he will need to fit into my family, need to respect and treat me with dignity and honor, and cherish what I believe in--which is marriage are for lifetimes.