Jakobsmommyalways's Journal

A friends blog inspired this one.  I have come to realize this year you have certian people in your life, the ones who want to be there for you, and the ones who want you to be there for them.  You have people who hurt you and dont mean to, and people who hurt you and dont care.  You have people who say, "i'm sorry" and mean it, and the ones who say "i'm sorry" and do the same crap over and over, even if it's just saying hurtful things, or breaking your trust over and over.  The only people I NEED in my life is my husband, my children and my family.  I want to have friends, and want people to care about me, and to not take advantage of me, but I dont need that.  I need my God.  I have been hurt so many times this year, it is HARD to forgive and forget.  It is so easy for me to forgive.  I dont hold grudges much, I try not to at all.  I have forgiven family/friends for doing things and saying things that hurt, screwed us over, or just made things more difficult and stressful than they needed to be.  But the forget part, I have a hard time with.  It seems everytime I forget and act like nothing ever happened, they see it as an opertunity to do it again, because we wont stay mad.  Almost like, well they will forgive me, so it's ok if I mess up again.  So I am at the point in my life where I am weeding people out of my life.  Or, my personal life.  We have many aquantances, many people we hang out with, or talk to, but not too many people we trust anymore.  I have been through more this year, than most people go through in a lifetime, more in my mariage than most go through their entire mariage (the ones that stay together).  And I have been hurt more times than I can count, taken advantage of and screwed over by more people and companies this year than I can handle.  So, it's easy for me to forgive.  But I can not forget.  In that I mean I will not/do not hold a grudge, I just do not want to put myself in a situation to be hurt again.  To be let down again.  So if you are one of the people who hurt me, and some of them cant read this because they are blocked from my page.  I forgive you, but will not allow it to happen again.  I cant handle it.  I do love you, but take everything with  a grain of salt now.  I almost always give people more than one chance.  You screw me over or hurt me once, we can try again, but you have to regain my trust and fix whatever you did.  If you have done it more than once, then you can know I forgive you, but will not have you involved in my personal life as to prevent further pain, anxiety, hurt.  My counselor agrees with me, as does my family.  I hope this does not sound too cold.  I just cant remember the last time someone did what they promised me they would, or followed through with what they should have.  I used to tell my counselor I had wonderful friends and a great support system when she asked me what I had that was good in my life.  Now it is, my family is here for me still, and God blessed us with another child.  And my mariage made it through the hell and stress of this year and is stronger than ever.  Does anyone else ever get tired of being continuously let down by people you trust?  And are afraid of being hurt again?  I have had a lot of bad and not a lot of good this year, and I live every day in fear of someone hurting me/my family and it keeps happening...So, if you want to try again, to fix what has been broken, i am all for it.  Chances are I miss you.  Just dont come back to "fix things" if you dont intent to take care of, or take responsibility for what you did or have done to me/my family directly or indirectly.  Please bare with me, be patient and understand why I am the way I am now.  I feel like I am a stronger person, and better because of all we have been through.  Which can be a bad thing at times I guess, because I do sound colder than I used to.  I am not angry anymore at many things that used to anger me.  I am just satisfied with where I am, and who I have.  I have had to be, everyone who left gave me no choice but to become satisfied...I love my friends/family, but I refuse to have a one-sided friendship/relationship with anyone anymore.  I will tell you all just like I tell my husband, actions speak louder than words.  Words mean nothing to me anymore as far as promises, and I will and I do's go.  Follow through with your promises, and your I wills and I do's.  Then maybe I will feel like someone outside of who I have now gives a damn about me, my sons and my husband.  And my family who has been through all of this rollercoaster with me....And if you know me personally, or just through reading about us this past year, you know I am not a cold person.  And I care so much for others.  Sometimes you just have to learn to put yourself first because no one else does....I am sorry if my forwardness hurts anyone's feelings, but I have to be honest.  Sometimes I am painfully honest now.  But I would rather someone be honest with me, than lie about their feelings, or lie about what they are going to do, or lie about being there for you...That is one thing you will find about me that has changed, I am honest 100% now...

I have so many big events/days coming up.  And there are people who I am afraid to have there, because I dont know what they will do/say that will be hurtful, and will cause a huge thing, because they will have to leave at that point.  And I am at the point that if they do, I am going to want to snap someones head off...Like Jakob's one year Angel day, Dylan's birth.  Both of those days, are going to be so hard, so emotional, anything extra will be too much...Or maybe I will just look at them like they are stupid, and just be like, you havnt changed a bit have you?  You can leave now.  Who knows, pray for me!  Just needed to vent, talk, get some things out that have been building up for quite some time.  God bless you all.  I am not hateful, just exhausted.