Journal

   I am just at the point again where it seems like nothing is ever going to change or ever get better. It doesn't help this time of year I am more prone to be depressed anyway. I get to where I am doing good and then bam, blindsided. I know I should be use to it but it doesn't get any easier to deal with. Then I wonder if I am ever going to live a functional life without pain ever again.

    I am getting worse at writing and typing. I misspell so many words because of this crap being in my brain that it takes me more time to type and correct than it ever had. Every two words I am having to go back and undo and respell the words.

   I have really been down for the last two weeks and it hasn't gotten anybetter. I just feel like such a failure. I know nne of it is my fault that doesn't help. i just have no energy and i am a fixture sitting on the couch. So mush needs done. I have so much piled up from 3 years ago when i got really sick and couldn't do anything and my husband bless his heart tries. I just hate feeling hopeless.

    I know there is hope but when i get this depression it just swallows me and I feel like I need to get away. So I am going to a Christian Conference on the Noverner 12-14 in VA> then I am going to TN for a week to see my Mom who has emphasyma and a bad liver from almost killing herself from drinking.

   I know he means well but my idea of getting away doesn't neccesarliy mean going to visit the rest of my family. My mom loves with my sister and then my brother and his family who never talks to us lives there also. There has been 2 babies born down there by my neice and one by my nephew and his wife and noone even called to tell us.

   So I am not looking to forward of my mom wanting me to go see popele I would rahter not. I am however going to use it to try and get things sortedout in my own head and have a good visit with my mom anyway.

  Well i just hurt all over again and we go back to the doctor  in 2 weeks so I guess we will see what he says. I have been on meds now again for almost 1 year and i still feel no different than I did when I first went to him. I know he is using the latest medsa nd the protocols most LLMD's are using so I know it is not that. my real fear is that I have had this since I was born and they didn't catch it until I was 32 and still didn't really start to treat it right until last year so I fear I will never get better.

  I however have to atart believing my faith and no that there is nothing impossible for those who believe in Christ Jesus!!

    I am just sick of people acting like three year olds on here. I will not however let someone post on me things that i disagree with. sorry but i will defend myself from lies just because people do not know how to handle things that they can not agree with. I have been on here long enough to those of you to know me and I know that so I guess I am guilty of falling in there childish games.

   The second one was apparently ticked off because i use reference to God. That is too bad. he is a huge part of my life and a big part in my healing through this. I also know that I am not the only one who has a rlationship with him on here. I actually thought that this was a Christian Support group. Boy is that a wrong statement. I have been in posts with Aethiest's but I did not put them down nor did I tell them that they were wrong for their beleifs. I supported them even though I didn't see the same things they did. Is that the reason why we are here?

   You know I know people who would have let this made them leave. I have made to many friends on here for that to happen. I am not the one in the wrong here. I am more disgusted that people cannot disagree like adults that they have to come to another group and sread lies and try to tarnish someones reputation.

    GROW UP PEOPLE !!!!!!!!!! I will continue to pray for you even the one who is apparently afraid of my God for some reason. this is so stupid but I cannot just sit by and let people say things about me that is not true because they do not agree with things I have said on here. that just blows my mind. If you do not agree then keep your words to yourself because I am going to defend myself.

   It is not the place I know that , I am on here for the support I get and to give others support that they need not to be a little child and get my kicks on thinking I am causing someones name to be drug through the mudd. This is now over for me , no matter if they say anything else I am going to ignore them and let my faith handle it and act like the 38 year old adult that I am.

   I apologize to anyone who has been part of this unknowingly. Thinking it is a post that is actually worth some merit. It has gone on long enough and is done. I thank you all who know me and who have supported me as such. i apaologize from the bottom of my heart for letting it go as lomg as it did. I have not been feeling well and am very emotional so i am dealing with emotions that just want to defend myself again.

    please forgive me and know that my head is back where it needs to be and those who have felt like they need to get back at me for some reason can go batter some one else becasue I am done playing their little game and I am sorry that i played it as long as I did.

   Well, here ir is half way through another month. Hard to believe school stats in 2 weeks for the kids. This is my daughters last year. Boy time flies escpecialy when your sick and sleep half of it away. I am still battling her on taking her medicine. She is 17 and should know by now that if she doesn't she is gonna end up like me.

    I know everyone says that age they think they are invincible, but when she sees what I have gone through and still go through I say that's a cop out. I am just so tired of going around the same old crap everyday. Nothing ever changes. It is hard when your mind it telling you something totally different than your body is.

   I also know to get better with this I have to get sick again. I think that is what angers me too. My husband has it also / so then too I think don't take their meds right so they wont get sick. My husband admited to the doc that he didn't up his because he sees what I go through. So we are spending all this money on doctors and mes that they wont take or listen too.

  I just get so aggrivated. Then neither one of them will lift a finger to do anything around here. I think they would live in complete filfth. They will walk over something 20 times insted of leaning down to pick it up. My house is so cluttered and that is really getting to me too.

    See before I found out I had Lymes I had OCD, I still do to some extent but back then I would keep my house clean everyday. Eerything had its place and it was always clean and in order. Now it is a total wreck. That keeps me in constant stress but nobody cares.

They both have their agendas and no matter how many times I ask it is always ignored. I have asked my husband to take a couple Saturdays to help me and I always get a yes I will until it comes Sat. Always something else to take its place.

    I don't know how much longer I can stay on this roller coaster of emotions. You would think when I am depressed or really hurting they would try and cheer me up. I am totally ignored. I figure if I am always feeling alone maybe I should be alone.

   I know that is the disease talking , I know he loves me he just can't handle it either. But you know what he has a job he gets to go to and see other people. I lost my job that I loved to this dumb_ _ _ disease!!!!! So I sit here and stare at these walls that need painted and drawers that need cleaned out. It drives me crazy and I am really tired of going throughit.