rmb's Journal

“There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”  Leonard Cohen

I’d been thinking about that lyric on and off for a while and then I tucked it away, only to see it in print recently in article I was reading.  I feel like that’s been my life, all 44 years of it.  Not quite perfect and a little broken, but that’s how the light gets in. 

We were driving on this parkway, which is this span of road that takes you from one of the city’s bridges to the Southeast side of town.  It’s two lanes on both sides with a concrete divider between the north and south lanes.  The speed limit is 40 mps. So, yeah, we were driving on it in the middle of the afternoon this past Saturday and all of a sudden, about 20 feet in front of us, a giant falcon swoops down in front of the car and perches on the concrete divider.  We drive closer and stop the car, in the middle of the road.  I could have reached out and touched it; that’s how close we were.  And so we sat, and stared, in awe.  And it was staring back at us, showing no fear.  Everything is silent.  Everything is still, in slow motion.  Then, we can see a car coming up behind us so we had to leave.  I could have stayed in that moment forever. 

Birds.  Birds are always a good omen for me.  When my youngest brother was sick with cancer, I remember driving to work one day over the Hoan Bridge and I was losing my shit over the situation.  I mean, just sobbing, praying, begging, to God, to anyone, I don’t know.  Then out of the corner of my eye, a seagull is flying next to my car, right along side my window.  It glided along with me for a good 15-20 seconds; it felt like an eternity.  I could see its eye looking at me.   And then it took off over the lake.  A calm I had never known came over me.  And I just knew that it was going to be all right.  Whatever the outcome, I knew it would be ok. 

My dear aunt passed away from pancreatic cancer a couple of years ago.  She was young and amazing and died within 2 months of diagnosis.  Such a bullshit cancer, that one.     She was my aunt but she was also my friend.  I missed my friend.  I was out walking one morning, thinking about how sad I felt that her life ended so miserably, in so much pain.  I looked to the sky to just somehow say something to her, to just send up a thought, a prayer, and at that moment, I falcon soars across the sky and lands in the trees to my left.  I think it was my aunt’s messenger saying she’s ok. 

Anyway, birds are always showing me the way. 

And I have beautiful lyric to show me the bigger picture:  “There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”  God, that almost brings me to my knees.