sqwidge's Journal

Today is monday i think, yes it is davids mum is still here, i wish she would let go i really do.David and his dad will not go up anymore they have both said that they wish to remember how she was and the good times that they had i can see where they are comeing from but its not easy to watch someone that you care for die for anyone.I lost my grandad at 14 i think the hospital rong us and we know that he was very ill we stayed with him as long as we could he called me sylvia when i said good bye my mothers name, anyway after a while we left and went to the car park we sat for a while and while we where in the car park he died and he was alone and i think thats what hurt the most he died without being held or haveing someone their just to say i love you, and i care and that im here for you, he died on his own.If only id stayed a little longer thats the least i could have done.Im going up to the hospital as much as i can every day now for hours at a time now davids not going up his sister lisa is up their all the time everyone has come to see her shes very well loved by everyone, it has not sunk in yet that she is going to die for any of us we just cant beleave it she has had brain ops done in the past and had strokes three i think and always come home shes been in a wheel chair and lost her speech and the use of one side but she still could be a active member of the family shes still part of it u know.But now she has had 48 fits they have doubled her morphine she has had another pump put in so that they can give her a drug to stop the fits and some anti -biotics  to try to clear her chest to make her comfortable, she has had nothing to eat or drink since she went in just some water on small sponges to try to keep her mouth very slightly damp less than half a cup of water like this a day, every 24 hours.Mum sleeps all the time and only makes sounds if moved and in pain, the inside of her mouth and tongue are black as she is on oxagine, and has a fan on her bedside table to keep her cool, they also remove the flem from her with a tube every day, today when they did it their was a very small amount of blood the tube court on an old scar from haveing a small hole made in her througt on a past hospital visit .I go there i talk to lisa, tell mum how the kids are and what they are doing at school etc, anying really mum can still hear, she has lost her sight this time and the bleed in the brain is still bleeding, i think that shes lost weight as well, shes always asleep and she must be so tired, theirs  nothing anyone can do but wait its been almost a week give or take an hour, everytime the phone rings  we all freeze but still have to pick it up, and thinking has she gone.Davids still going away on Sunday he has a course and he still wonts to go for the week he says hes got to go he cant take it and he will come back for the day when they lay her to rest.Im sorry if this is abit to much detail but im not going to cope with this if i dont share it with someone what else can i do with it , im watching mum die at the moment family wise theirs Lisa and me from the family  the rest have had to go home noone can tell us when she will go and its been a week, and the other family members that have gone home have young children of 3yrs and 1yrs old they cant stay their children need togo home, and the two family members do not live here they live hours and hours away all ring 3 times a day they do care but they also work at home so what can they do.Im not sure how i will cope when she has gone if she is on her own, and i have no idear how im going to cope with our children and davids dad and sister, on my own and my own loss  ive watched her suffer so much noone thorght she would last this long now we just have to wait for her to let go i really hope its soon its not fare on her, everyone loves her so much sometimes you think that love ones last for ever but they dont next time that you see someone that you love give them a hug and tell them that you love them lov a friend.xxx.