sqwidge's Journal

Today is friday ive lost two days since mums been ill, i went up to see her this morning for a few hours ive never felt so helpless in my whole life and theirs nothing we can do, shes being kept comfortable and pain free mum went up stairs to a stoke ward in a side room, they said that they where starting to stop some treatment she will only have pain killer through a drip, the bottles the size of a medium size bottle and she is haveing a pump in her stomach today so that she can have some meds through that instead of her nose.All i could do is to surpport lisa mums daughter, she also has two sons one of which is my other half, of course and andy, andy had to go back home he does not live local and as we dont know when she will go he had to return home, he also bourght his 3yr old little girl down with him shes called ruby, and ruby had to go home as her mum is there as she works ruby was so restless at the hospital.I tryed my best to reasure mum at her most restless moments as her breathing is bad, shes so tired she was asleep all the time and fitting when she was reasured she carmed down abit, i stroked mums arm so she know i was their i hope she did she cant see anymore i dont know if that will change but i dont think it will.I made the children go to school to day they understand whats going on but because she has gone in and out so many times connie thinks she is comeing home she deos not wont to know that shes not, tobe honest i dont think any of us wont to believe that shes leaveing us but we cant do anything, and the adults have all said that we hope its soon to one another, instead of later it sounds bad i know but all the waiting hurts so much for all of us, she ust to be a strongh woman and noone crossed her, her word was law you know thats what she was like, but she knew how to have fun too, she let me live with her with my now husband, when i had nowhere else togo that was 22yrs ago now, she feed me and kept me warm and safe.Thats how she is if anyone was in need of help she gave it to them, and she did charity work  as well she is such a great person how do you let go of someone like that i dont wont her to go but i dont wont to watch her die in pain.This year we have had my nan, davids dad and now his mum in hospital, im not sure if i can do this my nan is still haveing help 4 times a day every day, davids dad is ill and you can tell i told him he had to eat and have a drink he is just shattered.When mums gone david said that hes is going off for a few days he has a course comeing up so he will use that to try to get his head togather  if  he deos im going to be here on my own with five kids and his sister and dad on my own i dont think im strongh enough for this i cant do this and wonder if hes ok and safe as well, i know david will take off for a while and he said he would come back for her funeral if hes away  and go again how can i be their for the man i love very very much if hes not here how can i protect him if hes not here? And we also need to keep everything as close to normal as we can, until this very special part of our lives lets go! Im thinking of you mum, sleep well night.