Journal

This morning we slept in, and then my husband announced to me and the kids that "we are going to IHOP in 20 minutes."  He knows that I shower in the mornings, and that I cannot be ready in 20 minutes.  Had we planned this, I could have planned to be ready.  But it was impromptu.  IHOP is close by our home, so I asked if he could bring it home so we could eat together, since I couldn't be ready in as little time as he wanted to leave in.  He said no because it won't be as hot.  I can understand this, but it still leaves me out.  I finally just said 'go without me' and he took the kids to IHOP without me.  I didn't really want to go, it was just that I want our family to stick together and not leave anyone behind.  I don't want to teach my kids that.  I would never do that.

Then this afternoon we were supposed to go to my mom and step-dad's house since our 4th was rained out during the day yesterday (they postponed to today).  But, I didn't want to go.  I told them all to go without me.  I have cramps and I have to get ready for work tomorrow.  I mopped and folded laundry, took out trash and now I have to clean up the kitchen.  It's nice being alone.  They are having a cookout over there, and then they are going to light fireworks because they are not in the city. 

I feel so overwhelmed.  I always have "something to do".  I always have to work.  For instance, I had to mop, do laundry and I have a trip to WalMart for food looming over my head.  I still don't know what I want to serve for lunch tomorrow at daycare.  I'll figure it out.  I have food... I just have to make a plan.

Well, I better get back to it.  I want to steam some blouses with my handheld steamer.  (I wish I had one of those washers or dryers that steam for you!)  Second thought, maybe I'll Dryel.  I have some of those sheets, and it's much easier!  I haven't done that in a long time. 

I guess the main reason I journaled today is to vent about how my husband treats me.  How he's so willing to just leave me out.  I think he enjoys punishing me because I can't be ready in 20 minutes.  I take an hour, including shower.  I'm a girly-girl and I like to fix my hair and put on some makeup.  I hate IHOP anyway.  I used to like it, but the last time I had their garden crepes, they were gross.  I have chosen to stay married with my husband for now.  I think it would hurt our kids more to break us up than to stay together and stick it out.   I know it's hard to understand that, but it's true.  The pain I go through would be transferred to them - in new pains.  I was there as a child myself.  And I wanted to die.

Thanks for listening.

OH my grandpa is in the hospital.  At first it looked bad, but now he seems stable.  He wants to die.  He is so weak and can't do anything -and he's a doer - loves to do lots of things and hates wasting away.  Please pray for him, if you can.  I am praying that he doesn't suffer, and that God's will is done in his life, and that he'll go to Heaven when he dies.

Hello DS Friends,

As far as the daycare, I decided to take on three summer children ages 3, 6 and 7.  This has offset the cost of hiring (dun-dun dun duuuuuuun) an assistant!  Actually, two.  I have one that works two days a week, and another that works three.  This is again, just for the summer.

See, my idea is that we can get more projects and invidual attention and trips to the park, etc. if I have an assistant.  The assistants' hours are 8-2.  So, it was perfect for students.  I have two students - and I love them both!  One is my step-cousin who just might be an angel in disguise, and the other is one that I found on Craigslist (and I was so wary!) and she's fabulous and very sweet. 

So far, it's working as planned - we are getting more enriching days in for the kids.  We are working on improving the six-year-old's reading ability.  We are working on engaging Wyatt (a former Russian orphan) so that he'll acknowledge others around him.  And for all the children 3 and up, I bought "Summer Bridge Books" from Lakeshore Learning that each pertain to their ages.  These books are to bridge the two school years, and keep up what they've learned in school.  (Three is young, but he'll do what he can in the pre-k book.  He's a sharp 3 year old)  We have two circle times - one for the big kids, and another for the toddlers.  Every child is read to every single day.  Now we are able to get more art, more of everything in, and best of all, the children don't have to wait for me as much - to change diapers, to prepare snacks and meals, to clean up.  We have someone there for them to respond to their needs and see that they are engaged in productive play, etc. 

I like the assistant situation so much that I am thinking of taking on some year-round children to keep an assistant on all the time.  It's so much better.  Legally, I can run things alone.  So, if I happen to find myself in-between assistants, I will not risk losing my license.  I like it this way.  I don't know that I want to go 'bigger' to where I'd require an assistant at all times.

As far as my marriage - well things really aren't better.  Things are a bit worse or the same.  He is still up to his usual self-absorbed righteousness and abusing me with it.  I am still contemplating leaving him, but I have to figure out how to do this without losing our home.  I say the following without knowing much about divorce - but perhaps since we have such low equity in our home, MAYBE I could find a way to buy him out of his half of the house and then refinance as the sole owner.  This would take a lot of work on my part.  I have an idea for money.  Actually two.  I want to plan it right... so that I don't make my children miserable in the process.  If we could stay in this home we've made, I think the transition would be more tolerable for them.  You see, as of right now, they think Dad is a great guy.  So, as long as I can maintain harmony while I make my plans.... just maybe, just maybe I could plan it so we can stay here in the house.  I'd have to talk to a lawyer first so I don't get on the wrong track.

I have missed DS.  When I came back and saw my friends' words of encouragement and support, it warmed my heart and made me feel better after a day of walking around with hate inside of me.  I am going to rebuke the hate and turn my energy toward positive thoughts and positive solutions.

I am going to try to log on here more so I can be of support to my friends - and give back - and know what's going on with you all.  I just can't thank you all enough for being my DS friends.

Chris