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noturaverage 
4:46am, October 24, 2008
My emotions have been wack today. I figured tht it was I didnt take my anti depressant at the usual time.
Right now, the lil ones r all tucked up and snoring their heads off,like good lil kids.This is the time of night where I think a damn lot more, and when i can allow myself to cry freely.
I have recently joined church.I havent been since I was a young kid. In the last 3months, ive been thinking u know that there is more to life than constant crap, and also wtf was my purpose.
Belonging to such an enviroment is ok, not that I would tell them of my past damage etc. I do find some peace and harmony inside my heart, by going to mass.
I was staring at Jesus on the cross this morning, and it made me think of my life, the crap and all evil. I couldnt help myself and shed some silent tears.
The tears were my rape/sexual abuse stuff on my mind, and also thinking about what would others think of me frm the church community if they knew.
I also remembered that god only has the right to judge, and I pulled my head in.
So I prayed to our heavenly father to help give me the strength to get thru today, and this week. A few people saw my tears and they took my 2 twin boys of me so i could hve a bit of me time.
Our lives really suck at the best of times. Ive been getting all upset abt christmas, as im worried abt how im ment to give such joy to the children.
Then i realised and told them, hey, we r celebrating the birthday of christ, its not all about u.we exchange gifts in his memory.
On my way home frm church, I saw one of the rapists frm the gang/bang episode, and the only face That I remembered. The police still have an open file on that, as I was and am too scared to trial members of a gang.I dnt give a toss about myself, I just care what they may do to my children.
I can still see that guys ugly face clearly right in front of mine, and hear his ugly voice telling me to shut the fuck up bitch, u knw u want it.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH man, this is all i can get out for today, i need to cry
Comments
You are going the right way. God CAN and WILL help you through all the pain! It will be one step at a time, moment by moment, day by day. Stay focused on Christ. The "Church" need not know your past. Your past is YOUR past. Not theirs.
All the sin you need to concern yourself with is the sin you knowingly commit TODAY. And confess that to Christ and ask His forgivness.
God loves you. Christ loves you. I know that's cliche but it is true. Talk to God and Christ constantly. Scream and yell too, God cvan handle it. That's what He's here for. Yell out ALL your anger and hurt. Get it ALL out to Him. He wants you too. And do it as often as you need to. Get the poison out so He can help you with your healing.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
JerryW
If your church is anything like mine> They would not judge an inocent person for what had happened to them. Judgeing our fellow human beings is like pooping your own pants and then complaining baout the smell in the air!!! Hope you have a blessed evening and a great new day tomarrow!! Take Care!!
auntshawn
I love your thoughts about Christmas.Last year was horrid for me as everyone seemed intent on spending stupid money. This year I've spoken to everyone about being sesible and not making me feel bad if I can't spend as much as they do. They all agreed to put a limit on the amount we spend, and instead we're concentrating on spending time together as a family. I feel much calmer, and it gives the chance for the real message of Christmas to shine through.
You're so strong for your kids, they're lucky to have you:)
Juice
Your journal encourages me, even through your tears. It is through suffering that we grow stronger in the Lord. I think if it weren't for my breakdown 11 years ago, my family and I would still be taking for granted our health and our "connection" to God, which then was really superficial at best. Look how Jesus suffered for us. His suffering was intended so that we too could grow as close as he is to God....My friend and I even had a heart to heart talk, which we never had before. I opened up about my breakdown to which she admitted to her own. She then said that we grow strongest when we're at our lowest!!! Be of strong heart and stay encouraged...Your story has even uplifted me more that God is working through all of us...I pray for you and your family as well and for your safety this and every year :0) Have a Happy Holiday in case I forget to pass the cheer in the future
DTHCAB4