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noturaverage 
4:46am, October 24, 2008
Ahhhhhhhhh.
My mind feels a bit not here, lol now that doesnt make sense at all, but i huess thats how i feel. I hate the fact of carrying around my past. It sux not being able to leave it at home.Its like a bad smell that always follows me.
When my 3son's have been wanting a hug, I've been a bit on edge as the fact that they r males touching me. I still try and give them the affection they need, its just im not enjoying it.
I feel that I'm deprieving them of my fukk affection. One of my babies who is 3, likes to sleep against my chest, lately i hve pushed him away as my chest is mine, and only mine and it feels disgusting to have him rest there.
Man, i ask myself often, am I fricken nuts or wht???????????????????????????
Gosh, still another half a day to go until mon morning.
I hope my mood picks up, as I'm feeling a bit miserable at the moment.
Comments
You sound very low but your feelings about touching and closeness seem very familiar to me and probably many others with similar pasts.
It does make us question whether we are nuts etc but it is a symptom of what we have been through.
Quartz44