Journal

2.30am 7th oct 2008..............................

I have been doing well the past 3-4months. I've not had to depend on sleeping med's, and shameless to say, I haven't been to counseling in about 5-6months.

This is what I hate. Everything goes well, then bang a nightmare or 2 occurs and gets me thinking of past crap again.

I wish it would bugger off. I mean, yeah we all have a past, but I just want the sexual abuse/rape crap to disappear.

Anyone would think that its on my mind often, honestly it's not, but a dream about it and the whole area around it all, comes flooding back.

Right now I feel anxious, angry and upset.Part of the reason for venting it here in my journal is to try and help myself.

I'm such a fool from running away from counseling. I dnt want to get it all out where I'm in tears, thats why i havent been going.

One sad **** i am and feel at the best of times.

1pm Sunday afternoon here.

This morning I was completely fucked off with everything. Excuse the swearing, but thats how I  feel/ Felt.

I am failing the parent thing. My horrid kids are walking all over me and I honestly dont know how much more I can take of it.

We were sitting in mass this morning, and my 3and a half year old twin boys thought as per usual that they would be naughty. I felt very shamed, as one of them yelled out fuck you mum.

I was crying inside, and had to try and hold the tears back from rolling down my cheek.

It was the longest hour I've ever had. I feel so agitated by the kids, they always seem to fight disobey me etc...................

When I try to put stratergies in place for them, but no one gives a toss and carries out as normal(little devil kids).

It's always about I want, from them of course and I am a bit sick of it all.

Ok,so I havent been online much lately. One had/ has to try and deal with reality and handle lifes crap.

I havent been to counseling for a few months now, Ive even stopped taking the daily meds.

I'm a bit of an emotional mess, crying for f all. I have taken up smoking fricken weed to keep me as sane as I should be.

Obviously, im running from dealing with past issues, but 4 now its doing the trick or something.

My kids have been pushing me too the limit, and Ive been looking for a few part time jobs to earn more cash for christmas.

yeah christmas may seem ages away, but its like only 17weeks away.

I hope yoiu all have been keeping well.

peace be with u all,.