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MermaidSinger 
12:36am, October 4, 2009
I'm out of my fucking mind. I am absolutely fucknig crazy.
I was looking forward to this girls day out Saturday but everyone cancelled and it PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH!! I don't even know why, but it INFURIATES me that they cancelled! One girl cancelled, and then the other one did right after, claiming she had something to do but clearly she just didn't want to hang if the other girl wasn't there.
I have eaten 100 calories today and burned off 200. I am manic. I was holding on to the wall and slipped into this state wherei couldnt move and i was so afraid and but i couldn't do anything i was paralyzed. Things were swimming in my head but i couldnt make anything out and iwas so dizzy i thought i was dying.
I don't ever want to eat again. Starving is so wonderful right now. it's like im a drug addict who said "just one more hit" and now one skipped meal later i am on the train to nowhereville fast. I'm so crazy. my mind is nver quiet and i cant focus and theres so many thnigs in my head. I want to be so thin and im literally shaknig saying that i am crazy i want to be thin thin thin. I sound crazy i am consciosu of that but at the same time not. there is a record player in my head on repeat saying "failure. worthless. thin." over and over and over.
I want to do work forever and never stop and justfocus on that. and then i want to get a good part in the play for once!!! I practice so hard!!! I wish i had a scale. I think I may have lost weight. i dont look it but people say it and the wii said i lost weight. i really want to buy a scfale..
my mind feels so weird. and my heart is beating so strangely whenver i move at all. i cant really do anything physical or else i feel like i cant brathe anymore but i walked today with music which calmed down until i felt sick so i stopped.
i hoep you're all okay!!!!
Comments
Please get help Megs...this is so scary....I care about you so much and you are SO talented...don't waste it to ED...hugs and love.
ChefJess
HUGS!!!!!!!
more HUGS!!!!!!
more more more HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.....................................................................................PMing you right now
intheblues
well they say birds of a feather flock together...so if ur crazy...that makes us all here crazy..............
missyS
Honey you need to get help. Seriously. I'm terrified for you.
GiselleSylphide
OMG! I HATE it when people cancel on me. It makes me feel TERRIBLE.!
But don't let this drive you back into ED's arms!
beiceth
oh please meg, get help. you deserve to be healthy. i know how tempting it is but pelase, you deserve better than this x
sophiemay
Hey Meg,
How are you today? I just read this this morning. I have felt like that lately, and I'm 48. I have a feeling I am going to look back at all the time I've wasted on this ED and say WHY? WHY? Last night I went to a party with my nieces, nephews, daughter, sis in law, etc....My husband's band played, there was food and drinks and people pitched tents and I talked to so many good people and laughed and stayed up late. I thought this morning - this is life. Not my eating disorder, not how thin I am, not disappointments, not what I am wearing. It is what you do, the fun you make, the happiness you bring. I know you have it in you. Anyone who is into theatre and acting and performing like you has such a gift for expression. Use it to show how wonderful you are and how much you want a good life. If people cancel on you, go out and do something anyway. I don't mean to minimize how disappointing it is, but go out and find joy for 10 minutes somewhere, or 20 minutes or an hour. Validate that you deserve to have fun regardless of who you are with, or where you are or what you are wearing or how much money you have etc. Write to me and tell me how you are. I am praying for you Meg.
lidster