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MermaidSinger 
12:36am, October 4, 2009
Hello everyone! It certainly has been an eventful September for me! I'll start with the bad news- I didn't get the part I wanted for the play. I hate to sound cocky or braggy, but I really was perfect for the part. It was an awkward, self-conscious, dorky bird. Minus the bird part, that is me to a T. So guess who gets it? My confident, quietly snobby friend who is secretary of the D.Co. She is nice and all but she should not have gotten the part, it just made her head swell and she isnt even all that good. It's not fair how some people who don't deserve it get everything whikle others just get nothing at all. I decided I coulsdn't deal with watching all these people who shouldnt have gotten leads parade around. I was going out of my mind. It was bad- it was almost the end. It was definitely sink or swim time. And I am very proud of myself because I chose to swim.
I made the choice to quit the play and leave D.co for awhile. I've gotten a lot of flack for my decision. People say I'm being a diva, I'll never get a good part again, etc. But I had to do what was right for me. I'm very happy with my choice and wouldn't trade it at all. I have been focusing on my grades and pulling all A's and a B, even with AP and Honors classes. It's tough work but the feeling I get when I see my tests and assignment grades roll in is ubeatable. I didn't make National Honor Society, because I was so entrenched in ED freshman and sophomore year. That is one of the few thnigs in life I regret, not trying harder in school these past two years and wasting all my effort on my body and Drama Company neither of which deserved my time or worry. but I'm trying now, and I will have excellent grades for my junior and senior year. I will pull my GPA up these next two years. I'm not going to Harvard or anything, but I do want to go to a good school. I plan on using my ED story for my college admissions essay, hehe!
Anyways, I am trying more and more to live and be happy. My grades really were the key for me here. It was impossible for me to feel good about myself when I was slacking off and not living up to my potential. Now that I'm giving all this effort, the results are paying off and I'm happier than ever. I have branched out and gotten closer to friends outside of Drama Company, which is also key.
Drama Company was truly killing me. I don't mean to place the blame anywhere, but after leaving them, my life has doubled in happiness. I don't want to jinx everything, but things are getting better everyday. I still have my moments, but the sun shines just a little bit more with each day I try my best and avoid the things that bring me down.
Comments
I'm out of my fucking mind. I am absolutely fucknig crazy.
I was looking forward to this girls day out Saturday but everyone cancelled and it PISSED ME OFF SO MUCH!! I don't even know why, but it INFURIATES me that they cancelled! One girl cancelled, and then the other one did right after, claiming she had something to do but clearly she just didn't want to hang if the other girl wasn't there.
I have eaten 100 calories today and burned off 200. I am manic. I was holding on to the wall and slipped into this state wherei couldnt move and i was so afraid and but i couldn't do anything i was paralyzed. Things were swimming in my head but i couldnt make anything out and iwas so dizzy i thought i was dying.
I don't ever want to eat again. Starving is so wonderful right now. it's like im a drug addict who said "just one more hit" and now one skipped meal later i am on the train to nowhereville fast. I'm so crazy. my mind is nver quiet and i cant focus and theres so many thnigs in my head. I want to be so thin and im literally shaknig saying that i am crazy i want to be thin thin thin. I sound crazy i am consciosu of that but at the same time not. there is a record player in my head on repeat saying "failure. worthless. thin." over and over and over.
I want to do work forever and never stop and justfocus on that. and then i want to get a good part in the play for once!!! I practice so hard!!! I wish i had a scale. I think I may have lost weight. i dont look it but people say it and the wii said i lost weight. i really want to buy a scfale..
my mind feels so weird. and my heart is beating so strangely whenver i move at all. i cant really do anything physical or else i feel like i cant brathe anymore but i walked today with music which calmed down until i felt sick so i stopped.
i hoep you're all okay!!!!
Comments
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Please get help Megs...this is so scary....I care about you so much and you are SO talented...don't waste it to ED...hugs and love.
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HUGS!!!!!!!
more HUGS!!!!!!
more more more HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.....................................................................................PMing you right now
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well they say birds of a feather flock together...so if ur crazy...that makes us all here crazy..............
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Honey you need to get help. Seriously. I'm terrified for you.
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OMG! I HATE it when people cancel on me. It makes me feel TERRIBLE.!
But don't let this drive you back into ED's arms!
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oh please meg, get help. you deserve to be healthy. i know how tempting it is but pelase, you deserve better than this x
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Hey Meg,
How are you today? I just read this this morning. I have felt like that lately, and I'm 48. I have a feeling I am going to look back at all the time I've wasted on this ED and say WHY? WHY? Last night I went to a party with my nieces, nephews, daughter, sis in law, etc....My husband's band played, there was food and drinks and people pitched tents and I talked to so many good people and laughed and stayed up late. I thought this morning - this is life. Not my eating disorder, not how thin I am, not disappointments, not what I am wearing. It is what you do, the fun you make, the happiness you bring. I know you have it in you. Anyone who is into theatre and acting and performing like you has such a gift for expression. Use it to show how wonderful you are and how much you want a good life. If people cancel on you, go out and do something anyway. I don't mean to minimize how disappointing it is, but go out and find joy for 10 minutes somewhere, or 20 minutes or an hour. Validate that you deserve to have fun regardless of who you are with, or where you are or what you are wearing or how much money you have etc. Write to me and tell me how you are. I am praying for you Meg.
Hello everyone! Hope you're doing well!
You know what I've noticed? A lot of the time, my smiley is always yellow. Numb. I just stay in that altered state. I don't even know anymore.
This journal is gonna be really weird, just warning you all. I'm seriously out of it.
My throat is KILLING me. I have a physical tomorrow. In a way I don't want the doctor to notice anything is wrong with in side of me, but I do want her to because then I will have a fighting chance to save me. I won't feel like shit.
But I don't look sick. When I was anroexic and udnerweight and emaciated I didn't even fucking WANT help but I got it. Now I'm bulimic and normal weight and I DO want help, but can't get it. I will never. I am death walking. I hang over the toilet EVERY DAY without fail. I self injure more nad more. I want to die. My mom told me Aleve hurts your kidneys sometimes even if you take only one and it gave me ideas.
I am so done. If the doctor doesnt say anything tomrrow about my throat or knuckles or something I don't kno0w what I will do. Maybe this isnt even affecting my body and I'm just a cry baby. I am so fat yo should see me. It's gross I'm like a blimmp excpet I can't fly because I'm too fat to leave teh ground.
I miss D. =(
I don't know what to do.
UPDATED GOALS
beat the shit out of ED.
Progress 0%
Encouragements: 1
Add your support
Remain cut-free
Progress 0%
Encouragements: 3
Add your supportComments
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Please don't give up! Learn from your mistakes and soldier on. I would give my eye teeth to be your age again and have my whole life out in front of me to be and do whatever I wanted. Listen to an old lady and learn.
Let that Doctor help you. And then get busy making your dreams come true!
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Please tell the Dr what's going on Meg...I love you so much and want to see you get well...my offer to talk to your mother stands. let me know if I can do anything for you.
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u want help? then dont wait for ur dr to "maybe notice" ...TELL HIM OR HER!!! tell them that ur puking ur guts out, ur in pain, ur afraid of dying at the hands of an eating disorder! tell THEM!!! they arent mind readers!!! SPEAK UP!!!! or possibly end up resting in peace.....
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yes, tell the doctor.. its hard, but you can do it.. you deserve help, so that you can live your life.. it is worth it and you are worth it.
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Honey, you need to tell your doctor. Seriously. You need to save your own life.
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my 2 cents are being sent PM sweets
Past Entries
Goal Updated
I must say, I have been really worried about you. Leaving you hugs and messages and nothing, even though I knew you were busy... reading all of this was well worth the wait! Meg, I am SO happy and PROUD of you. What you did took some big balls and boy, you got em!!! :) Spread your wings girl! You are amazing and this journal entry just made me smile ear to ear!
intheblues
glad u chose to swim...the bottom of the pool is a lonely place =)
missyS
its always the same, the 'favourites' get everything and those who really deserve the part dont get it :( i never get a good part at college either!
Im glad you've left that drama place for a while, concentrate on yourself. xx
DancerJ
Our drama department is cliquey. That's why I stopped auditioning for things my sophomore year. I think drama departments are just that way. I'm so happy you're doing well. I've been terrified for you. Keep it up chickadee!
GiselleSylphide
Well, congratulations on making a decision that suits YOU. I am very proud of you for following your heart & doing what you know is best for you.
You don't have to think of the Drama Co. as history. You could always go back (or find another one to belong to) when you're good & ready. For now, it is very wise to focus on your studies AND keeping healthier than you've been in the past. XoOx
Slimpics
This makes me so happy to read girlie! I know that you love drama but you can find it in college or do it during the summers in community theater where it more talent over all the other crap...Proud of you with the grades and all the other goodness...way to go lil sis! love love love you!
ChefJess
Hey Sweets! That's AWESOME news. Yes. It is painful to leave something you used to love behind, but it was eating you up inside. Good for you! I had the same deal happen to me with a singing group so i know how you feel.
In the long run you will do yourself better service by concentrating on your grades and getting into a good school.
Way to GO Girl!
beiceth