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Shai 
2:26am, January 25, 2009
i don't know exactly why i've been feeling that way...i've been crying a lot, too...over stupid things mostly...and sometimes crying for...i just don't know why.
on friday, the detective called me with the news that they would no longer be going through with the investigation.
my feelings on that: i feel really let down...i feel like no one believes me. and i feel like i lost and he won.
on sunday, my sister had her wedding. i was her maid of honor. since friday, i've been feeling real crappy...but i seemed to have pulled off a "happy" person.
but i've been covering everything up...i've been trying to just keep busy and pretend that none of it ever happened...because i'm not strong enough to deal with all of this right now. it's like i have to keep moving or it's all going to come crashing down on me.
i just feel like everyone expects me to be the way i was before all of this happened. happy. my mom is always asking me, what happened to my happy child? and i feel like i'm letting her down because i feel like i can't be that person for her.
i feel like such a serious disappointment.
on top of that, i'm juggling my self-esteem issues because of my husband's encounter with adult sites again. i just feel like i'm not good enough. and if i'm not good enough for everyone else...what makes me good enough for my own son?
i never should have tried to press charges against my ex...i feel like i just shouldn't be here anymore...everything about me is so fake...that i just want to disappear. they won't miss me. they'll only miss the person they think i am. they'll miss the shell, but not what's inside.
Comments
I think you should be proud of yourself for reporting this assault by your ex. It is the SYSTEM that failed you! You DID NOT FAIL. You do not listen to anyone else. Only you know what you endured, and what you are enduring now. You cannot possible just say "POOF!" I am all better. That is a stupid thing for anyone to expect. I cannot believe you have so many insensitive people around you. Take it easy, give youeself a break. You are still going through a whole bunch of mixed up feelings, and anybody would be. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray God will comfort you,Love,peggy
grndmudder
It's not your fault sweetie. The system has failed you. They need to have tougher laws for offenders and more rights for the victims. You are doing the very best you can. You are the victim, you did nothing wrong. It was not your fault. Sending you hugs and healing prayers. Renee'
skylark94560